How To Get That Public Defender Body You’ve Always Wanted

Any basic bitch can get their body A-list actress-hot or supermodel-sexy. But getting the body of a public defender? Now that’s a challenge! These government-appointed attorneys aren’t only champions of civil liberties, they’re also incredibly overworked and underpaid —and it shows! Here are some tips to help you get a body that will have your clients saying, “You look tired!”


Eat exclusively out of courthouse vending machines.

If you want to get your body looking like a public defender’s, you need to put down that home-cooked meal and head for the nearest vending machine. These lawyers need to eat where the action is, which is usually in the back hallway of the courthouse. And forget about “seated meals”—these legal eagles don’t have time for that! They find whatever nearby drive-through has the fewest health code violations and they dine and drive. If the inside of your car doesn’t perpetually smell like unsatisfying chicken sandwiches, you’re never going to get that court-appointed lawyer look!


Carry giant shoulder bags full of files.

There’s nothing more public-defendery than the one-sided shoulder knots of someone who carries around heavy bags of transcriptions and case files all day. Thanks to their constant workload of multiple cases and clients, public defenders have to carry crazy amounts of paperwork on them at all times, kinking the shit out of their backs and giving them a signature “PD” lean. So get to it and overload that shoulder bag with 50 pounds’ worth of information on your client. You’re worth it!




Sit most of the day.

Depositions, affidavits, testimonies, examinations—public defenders have to sit during all of these! Sure, they have to get up to cross-examine, but mostly it’s a lot of time ass- sitting next to a client who doesn’t cooperate in an uncomfortable wooden chair. So if you want a figure that’s government-funded sexy, you better get sitting. Talk about working your ass off!


Follow these steps to a public defender body so tight you’ll have to defend yourself from compliments on the daily. You are hereby sentenced to look like you’re a compassionate person who has no time for herself!