Do you believe that urban legend about women having taints? Well, it’s a legend no more: According to a recent study, over 100% of women have taints, which is a little spot of skin on the pussy side of their b-holes. If you’re like us, you’re freaking the fuck out about this news. Taints are for guys, not delicate little ladies! We know—most of the time, we like our taints to be in sweatpants, but that simply won’t do for a night on the town with your ladies and their lady taints. (Ugh—literally every lady has a taint! Noooo!!) Here are some tips we’ve collected in our collective frenzy so you can calmly go about trying to disguise your disgusting, manly taint so that men will love you for your adorableness again.
Dye it lavender!
Wow! Everybody loves lavender. Nothing says feminine like taking your natural skin color and making it a shade of purple that doesn’t exist anywhere in nature besides the plant from which it derives its name. If your taint looks like it plays softball, hit up your local Hot Topic and pick up a bottle of Manic Panic in Ultra Violet, then go home and rub it all over your taint. Your lil’ butthole flap will go from “eww!” to “aww!” in no time!
Tattoo it with a flower!
Take your disgusting, weightlifting taint and make it flowers with just a few shots of ink from a needle and a few hundred dollars! You owe it to yourself to grin and bear it through the outer genital tattooing process so that you can look a little more feminine and the guys who see your taint won’t think, “Wait, is this a guy or a girl?”
Put a necklace on it!
Jewelry spices up ANY taint, even ones that refuse to wear dresses. Adorn your taint in a gorgeous diamond necklace and any man will come crawling. Make sure to remove before pooping though—that is, if you still do that kind of thing! Haven’t you read our pamphlet for how to stop pooping?
Biologically speaking, ladies love perfume that smells like flowers and kitchen stuff, so dump an entire bottle of perfume on your taint. This way, you’ll stop smelling like a barn or a soccer field or whatever else boys smell like because taints should only be on boys. Goodbye, tomboy taint; hello, supermodel taint!
Name it Audrey Hepburn!
She’s a very delicate lady. No one will confuse your taint for one of the guys’ taints when you name it Audrey Hepburn, even if it has really short haircut! Now when he eats your ass, it’ll be like having breakfast at Tiffany’s!
Wow. Now THAT’S a taint we want on the cover of a magazine! Your ugly duckling will be a swan ASAP with these femmey tips!