How to Declutter Your One-Night Stand’s Apartment

Just like your mother always said: “Always be a good guest and leave the place cleaner than when you found it.” And a one-night stand is no exception! Just because you’ve done the dirty doesn’t mean you get to ditch the dusty. Here’s how to get his apartment looking as good as that drunk half-orgasm felt:


Clear the floor and install clutter-busting hooks.

The first mess to clean up is your own, and there’s no better place to start than the floor! Carefully crawl out of bed and grope around blindly for your underwear. Locate your bra, panties and last night’s dress next to that empty Kix cereal box. Next, take the packet of stick-on hooks out of your purse and quietly attach them to the wall. After you hold them in place for 20-30 seconds to ensure adhesiveness, hang up your belongings. He’ll thank you—if he remembers your name!


Set up a filing system.

Next up is his desk! Old papers can accumulate and take over surfaces, which is why they need to be sorted into designated filing places. Decide what your one-time random fling needs to keep, what he can stand to throw away, and what is pertinent information about himself that he might be hiding. Old pay stubs, tax statements, and bills—keepers! Love letters from old girlfriends, his failed attempts at cartooning, and any drafts of his weird sci-fi novel—those are dumpers! Phew! You’re never going to see this guy again.



Organize his medicine cabinet.

The medicine cabinet can be a real problem zone, so you’ll want to take your time here. What medications is he taking? Check the expiration dates. Does this total stranger you banged really need both Klonopin and Xanax? And he probably doesn’t need more than one tube of hemorrhoid ointment. Ha ha! Wait: There’s a bottle of red nail polish in there. Why is that there? Whose is it? These are all questions to text him later. For now, use the cleaner’s motto: “If it doesn’t bring you joy, throw it out!”


Do a thorough wardrobe cleanse.

His closet, dresser, and that pile of clothes spilling from his laundry bag are just begging to be sorted. Pare down by simply throwing out any clothes that have holes or pit stains, and don’t forget to toss his “FBI: Female Body inspector” and “Trust Me, I’m a Doctor” t-shirts. By now you will have consolidated his wardrobe and even opened up a drawer or two. ‘Cause who knows, right? Maybe he might want to give someone a drawer sometime in the future? Nobody knows the future, right? You’re not like moving in or anything, but…it’s always good to have more space!


Reorganize his pantry.

Be fearless with his fridge and take it on one shelf at a time. Assess the situation: What kind of food does he eat? Better yet, what kind of food should he eat? Say you were to spend an intimate night at home, just the two of you, cooking dinner and relaxing—would he need that 12-pack of Ramen? A freezer full of Ellio’s frozen pizzas? Does he know how much trans fat is in that? Does he even know that you have a gluten allergy?? Now he has plenty of room in the fridge for some fresh farmer’s market produce that you two could buy together. Just sayin’!


Now, that wasn’t so hard! All that’s left to do is fix your makeup, get back into bed, and pretend to sleep in a flattering position until he wakes up for that really important breakfast with his mom.