How To Cut Your Way Out of a New Year’s Bandage Dress

Nothing says, “Happy New Year” like being swaddled in a sexy bandage dress. But if things get hot and heavy, or the paramedics need to pump your stomach, you might need to know how to cut yourself out of it. So grab a sharp object and follow this step-by-step guide to set your body free from bandage!


Solo Emergency: The Zig-Zag Method
The zig-zag method is ideal for solo maneuvers, such as peeing or stripping. Using scissors, cut across the dress from your right shoulder to left rib, from left rib to right hip, then from right hip to left thigh. Not only is this the fastest escape, it also leaves you with a fashionable vest to wear next spring!



With a Date: The Bacon-Wrapped Shrimp Method
Have your date cut across the bottom layer of “bandage” on your dress till it hangs off your thigh like a piece of bacon. Have them pull the strip taught, throw your hands up in the air, and twirl out repeatedly like a shrimp being released from its bacon casing. You’ll be left with one long, beautiful strand of elastic and a sort of successful role-play!


While Sitting: The Steak Knife Method
Can’t find scissors? Still at a restaurant past 2am? No problem! Grab the nearest steak knife and saw away. The trick is to saw from the inside out to avoid slicing off your nether regions (you’ll need those for after dinner). Pull the dress up to create resistance, then cut all the way down. Treating your body like a fatty meat will help you stick to those New Year’s resolutions.


Mayday: The Yacht Method
This one should only be used if you’ve stopped breathing: Grab the nearest New Year’s bottle of champagne and smash it on a table as if you’re christening a boat. Use the jagged glass to cut straight down the middle of the bandage. You might incise some internal organs in the process, but it won’t be as painful as staying in that spandex massacre and dying a slow, suffocating death as the ball drops.


Desperate garments call for desperate measures, ladies. Don’t be afraid to slice away!