It’s the first of the month and Susan Miller hasn’t updated AstrologyZone. Before you know it, a week has passed – a week that could’ve had your lucky love days – and our beloved Susan still hasn’t told us what the planets have in store. Don’t worry, dear readers: Whether it’s an IT issue or Susan’s mysterious life-threatening illness, you will find a way to cope. You don’t need to wait for a new moon to take these initiatives:
Tweet at Susan.
Remember that Susan is a real person with real problems – but so are you! How else are you supposed to apply for a job without Susan’s guidance? Not all of us are well versed in planetary movements or personal motivation, Susan!! Send her tweets like, “Get well soon! When should I buy a house?” or “You’re in my prayers. Please keep my dating life in yours.” It’s also good to tweet in all caps so she has a better chance of seeing them. Susan’s an older woman with health problems. She probably appreciates your thoughtfulness.
Realize you’re not alone.
Thousands of Susan’s “dear readers’’ are upset, too. Start a Facebook group and ask: Is she really sick, or is she making another in-store appearance at Henri Bendel? Maybe it’s something serious, like abandoning us to spend time with her children. Susan’s die-hard fans have a right to know! Remember to find strength in numbers. It’s not cyberbullying if you care.
Read an almanac.
When our horoscopes are late, we don’t have specific dates to plan our lives around. And dates make Susan Miller’s astrology legitimate. You could turn to an almanac to find out new moons and full moons. You won’t totally understand their significance, but April 4th might be an auspicious time to run into your ex.
Live every day like it’s retrograde.
Without Susan, we have no idea if it’s Mercury Retrograde or Uranus Retrograde, which is the worst of the retrogrades because it’s unpredictable and erratic, much like Susan’s response to antibiotics. So don’t do anything rash. Or planned. Don’t do anything at all. In fact, cancel that cruise you’re supposed to go on for your mom’s birthday. It’ll hurt her feelings, but you’re doing the best you can in light of Susan’s writing pace.
Find other sources of support, like Susan’s IT guy.
Email Gary, Susan’s IT guy, a simple question like, “How do I get rid of those annoying pop-ups?” and then casually segue into “Is Susan okay? Do you know if I’ll get a promotion this month? I actually don’t have a job right now, but is career advancement in the stars? Why do you only link to the previous month’s forecast instead of giving me all the forecasts so I can see if I missed the date to run into my ex? CALL ME ‘DEAR LIBRA!’”
Focus on what you can control, like Susan’s whereabouts.
The next time Susan mentions she’s sick, try to get in touch with her daughter, designer Chrissie Miller, so you can find out where she is and visit her in the hospital. Show her you care by bringing chicken soup and pen and paper so she can finish writing your forecast. If Susan says things like “each sign is a labor of love and takes about 12 hours to write,” or “please leave,” say that you’re her number-one dear reader. Mention that last month’s forecast promised a big career breakthrough but all you got was a cater waiter gig. And true love being just around the corner turned into running into your ex-boyfriend at the gym and finding out he’s married. If Susan had posted her forecasts on time, you could have taken advantage of all the career and love success she’d predicted!
Try these tactics the next time Susan is preoccupied with her new TV show, fragrance line, or autoimmune disorder. If all else fails, just hit refresh and pray it’s Mercury Retrograde. You could always try reading other astrology sites, but let’s hope we’re never that desperate.