How to Choose the Best Tampon for Your Underground Knife Fight

A girl’s first underground knife fight is a milestone in her journey to womanhood. If it’s your first time on the illegal combat circuit, it’s natural to have butterflies! You might have questions like, “How can I brutally crush my opponent’s kneecaps without getting gross underarm sweat?” or, “What are the best hair ties to use when you’re entering a death match?” While you can’t control everything in society’s violent underbelly, something you can control is which tampon you use. Just remember to keep these three important things in mind and you’re sure to pick the best feminine product for your strong, scarred, fertile body.


Go with the lowest absorbency needed to prevent loss of agility.

The unfertilized tissue you’re carrying inside you is dead weight enough; don’t let your tampon slow you down, too. Choose the lightest absorbency available to prevent toxic shock syndrome and reduced reflex time. Now, you may be thinking, “But what if I need a Super Plus Tampax to stop a sudden heavy flow after I sustain a wound to my abdomen?” Tampons are not for mortal wounds! Anyway, staining your panties is just another sacrifice you have to make if you want to be a deadly she-warrior. Nobody is going to tell the difference between a little period stain and the blood that sprayed onto your pants when you behind-the-back slashed your opponent’s belly open. Just tie a sweatshirt around your waist and you’re good to go!


Pick something that moves with your deadly knife thrusts.

We’ve all seen that commercial with girls laughing and smiling as they run up bleachers or cheerfully kick soccer balls. Now imagine yourself roundhouse-stabbing a female skinhead’s carotid artery. Can your tampon handle that? Can you handle that? Of course you can: You’re a coldblooded knife fighter. You and your tampon are going to need panther-like reflexes to prevail against Olga The Destroyer. She was an Olympic medalist for the Soviet Union. In 1964. She has never menstruated. You better be ready!




Choose the right applicator for your unique finishing moves.

Instead of worrying about how your applicator will affect the environment, you need to consider how it will affect your opponent’s face. Your applicator is your biggest ally, so choose wisely. That flimsy piece of paper might be more eco-friendly, but it won’t make a good shank in a bind. Get your head in the game. What if your knife breaks on your opponent’s non-regulation brass knuckles? A plastic applicator will not only provide a smooth insertion, it can also be fashioned into a deceptively pastel backup shank to insert into your opponent’s ribcage. So get something that goes in smooth!


Once you find the perfect match, you’ll have more human tooth necklaces than you know what to do with!