By Fashion Expert and Honor Roll Student (I know gross right? But Like…) Stacy Moss
The corn rows from your island vacation are starting to get majorly painful, which can only mean one thing – SUMMER’S ALMOST OVER. It’s true. The boardwalks are getting quieter, other Stacy had her end-of-summer pool party, and Jennifer D. had a huge mental breakdown at the Staples on route 1 AGAIN because she’s literally crazy. If you’re a freshman you’re scared and confused because, duh, you suck. If you’re a senior you’re scared and confused because, duh, college. But if you’re a Sophomore like me, you’re like, “nobody gives a single Demi Lovato about me I’m gonna have a good time!” So here’s a little summer recap to help you navigate the linoleum halls of life. Get out your favorite note-taking app, nerds, because you’re about to get SCHOOLED.
Today’s topic: Who lost their V-Card over summer break?
Ok so remember when Willy Pilotsky went around in Kindergarten asking if everyone was a virgin and we were like, “what? That kid is so random.” That was totally weird, but now that we’re not FIVE it’s like, “ok, who’s doing it?” For some girls, they’re waiting for the right guy. But other girls (cough cough Sarah) have given away their card like they’re Mrs. Henson the beefy librarian taking out self-help books at some kind of sad library party. Here’s the scoop:
Ok. Probably Tina. Probably Bethany. Probably, other Stacy. Maybe Becca Goldfarb cuz she met that guy on her summer-in-Israel trip and now she’s wearing long skirts and making everybody call her Rifka. Not Heather because her dad made her go to nun camp after she Insta’d pics of her Demi-Vagato waxed liked some kind of hideous glazed ham. Jennifer D didn’t because, like I said, she’s totally crazy. Although I heard she’s dating that forty-year-old townie with a soul patch who organizes shopping carts outside the Nifty-Thrifty. So I guess like, let’s throw her a bone cuz her mom’s like, aggressively gay now.
Moving on. Definitely not Chrysta because even though she was dating Jeff S. for like, a century, she by mistake farted in his lap and now no guy will touch her with a ten foot pole, even the pervy weirdos at Sacred Heart who are straight up hunchbacks. I really hope from the bottom of my heart that girl Devon and boy Leslie didn’t do it because, weird, and I especially hope that Annie and Steve R. didn’t do it because they totally have the same haircut. Everyone knows that Becky C. got her period on a bench last year so I doubt that she did it, although she did grow some serious boobs at the end of Freshmen year so maybe she did it with one of Quasi Motos over at Sacred Heart.
As for me, I’m saving myself for my first week at college.