Horoscopes for Women with Melody Vapors

Reductress - Horoscopes for Women

Melody Vapors is an astrologer/clairvoyant, who discovered her gift after being mildly electrocuted by her high voltage curling iron in the 1990s. Twenty years later, she’s still sharing her gift with millions of women worldwide.
Greetings, fabulous females! One thing you may have sensed is the lack of a feminine voice along your spiritual and celestial path. I now present you a monthly horoscope with a woman’s touch. A her-oscope, if you will.


ARIES (Air-She’s)- This is a great month for improving your appearance, lady ram. Go to the nearest wo-manicurist, and request Fire Truck Red to be carelessly painted on your fingers and toes. You are sure to attract the attention of many, particularly that one superior who appreciates your femi-zen energy. You WILL get that 7% raise you’ve been hoping for. Jazz it up with a red glittery top coat, and you may finally get health insurance. Now that’s how you dress for success!


TAURUS (Warrioress)- Flex those muscles, Xena! Take that lady sword and shield and fight the battles you will face this month. Sharpen your most valuable swherd: your brain. You must play lots of Sudoku online with friends and become a fierce Joan of marks. You will understand why soon enough.


GEMINI (Jenna Nye)- I see excellent things in the month ahead for you – yes, Ms. Nye, you’re getting a promotion this month.  Find your nearest location of The Sharper Image and purchase that crocodile attaSHE case (attaché case) you didn’t know you wanted (use code “MELODY-V” for five dollars off any purchase over $25). You have always had Lady Luck on your side, but this month she has ulterior motives for putting you ahead. Sleep with one eye open and keep that attaSHE full of sharpened quills (mascara).


CANCER (Dancer!)- This is the month for new hobbies, tiny dancer! Your sensitivity and attention to detail allow you to excel at anything you put your mind to – specifically rollerblading. Go to your local roller rink to try out some stunning new moves. When the moon begins to wane later this month, you will find out you are pregnant – with an even tinier dancer! Do not rollerblade once pregnant.


LEO (Leona Lewis)- You ARE woman, and we will definitely hear you ROAR this month! Literally. You are going to growl at someone and it will make them very uncomfortable. But you’re a WOMAN and you must have room to grow(l)! I recommend purchasing a tight-fitting cat suit – any animal suit, really – your feminine energy will be channeled into creating a new loud, proud existence. You will find 20 dollars on the street as a result of this.



VIRGO (Vaginia Woolf)- Who’s afraid of you? The naysayers are, for sure! People will doubt your ability to juggle so many things this month, but you are very successful at juggling. Become a circus clown on the evenings and weekends. Own that pink afro-wig on a unicycle and you’ll silence all the hatehers.


LIBRA (Les Broads)- Love is in the air! Venus is definitely on your side, as this will turn out to be the most romantic month for you. If you’re not currently seeing anyone, grab a group of your favorite womyn (not just any women – WOMYN), and take an impromptu trip to the Caribbean. The time to travel aBROAD is NOW! All aBROAD the funship! Enough puns out of me. You will save 300 people from an engine room fire, so it is imperative that you sign up for this cruise. Tell them Melody Vapors sent you for a 5% discount.


SCORPIO (Scorching Hot Femininity-io)- Your hairstyle of the month: the high ponytail. This is stylish, as well as a great defense mechanism. When some common male gets on your nerves in class, do not waste time arguing as you would in the past. Simply whip that hair back and forth! You are sure to scratch his cornea. Trust me, it works every time.


SAGITARRIUS (Sass-itarious)- Girlfriend, you don’t take crap from anyone and are known for being Francesca (frank). Around the 10th through the 18th, things will annoy you more than usual. Please make no apologies for opening a can of sass on a coworker. Drive the point home – by snapping. To get an idea of the snapping I am talking about, watch the documentary Paris Is Burning, now streaming on Netflix (free one-month trial if you use this link).


CAPRICORN (Womanicorn)- All hail the Capriqueen! A windfall of inheritance, fame, and power is on the horizon. First and foremost, you must buy a tiara or crown from a costume store. Wear it all the time (even at home/in the shower) and no one will be able to ignore the royalty that you exude. Just make sure to share your royal treasures (sex), or the menions will want your head! (sex)


AQUARIUS (Aqua-womyn/Aquari-yes-to-the-universe!)- Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES! That’s the word of the month, baby girl! First, shop around for the best deal on a new car. This is the month for new wheels. Next, shave your head. It’s time for a big life change, and this month all the planets are aligned in your favor! Can you pull off that look? YES! Dance the night away? YES! Drive home drunk? YES! You’re unstoppable this month, aquagirl! Even the police can’t stop you. YES!!!


PISCES (Pie sees Woman.)- Everything you do is cool, with a capital C! Rock some feathered cur-her-ls and she-oes. Buy a new hair diffuser and a gallon of Aquanet. Submit photos of your stylish self to fashion blogs and magazines everywhere. Watch as people flock to department stores looking to replicate YOUR look! Stay true to your sense of style, and I guarantee exciting things wait at the end of the catwalk! Also, you really are too sexy for that shirt.