After three high school girls made a pact to get pregnant before graduation and eventually be stage moms together, Principal Elizabeth Mastrontonio knew quick cautionary action was called for. She teamed up with biology teacher Ed Fourthstreet to create The Stage Mom Project, an initiative to teach impressionable teen girls what it is really like to be a stage mom.
Each senior girl was given a 10-pound sack of flour (donated by Pillsbury) and told that this was their own little Honey Booboo to make a star. Some of the girls gave their flour sack dancing or singing lessons. Some of them got their little bundles cosmetic counter makeovers and in one case, even cosmetic surgery.
“Yes, I did a nose job on my flour sack,” admits senior Tammy Blakemore. “If this weren’t just a sack of flour, my kid would totally be a star.”
While the first two weeks went smoothly, many of the girls were questioning whether stage-momhood was really right for them by the time auditions came around. “I learned that it’s actually a lot of pressure turning your kid into a star,” slurred Rhonda Peterman, whose little princess was found to be infested with grub worms. “The lazy-ass bitch does Beyonce’s “Ring on It” routine all wrong and then just stands there and ignores me when I start yelling at her.’
In the audition portion, “daughters” auditioned for an extra (non-speaking) role, an under-five part, and an opportunity to land a leading roll opposite Andrew Garfield. While none of the participants made the cut, all of the stage moms learned an important lesson about the responsibility of stage motherhood that day.
A sobbing Molly Kaye held up her empty flour sack and confessed that her baby might not have what it takes. “I know she is just a sack of flour and I’m a pretend stage mom, but if she could just land a recurring role on a network series, we could move somewhere nicer.”
Tammy Blakemore is more realistic. “Look, sometimes you can be the best mom and stage mom, but your kid just turns out to be a sack of shit,” she said with a shrug. “I’m starting to understand how hard it was for my own mother.”