I used to think Mike and I had everything: the perfect relationship, the cutest apartment, and dozens of likes on our couple’s Instagram. I was completely in love with him, and I thought he was in love with me, too. That’s why I was blindsided when Mike left me for a woman who only has her period every three months. Apparently she uses a birth control that can turn you into a no-period-having cyborg and also she’s a “successful doctor”.
How am I supposed to compete with someone who barely ever has her period?
Someone who skips eight periods a year sounds like some sort of quitter to me, but I guess I had just never heard of Seasonale or Quartette, birth controls that bless you with periods four times a year. I didn’t even know that was a thing, much less one that Mike desired in a girlfriend and/or life partner. But Christie had it all: the tight body, luminous hair, and an illustrious career; but mostly just a delicate period that comes in like a quarterly statement.
“What do you mean she skips her period?” I remember asking him. “ How would she know if she gets pregnant?” Then I became angry. “Good luck having a relationship with a woman who will give birth in a toilet because she didn’t know she was pregnant!” I screamed. “She would know because she’s a renowned physician,” he said, as if any of those facts mattered.
Despite my pleas, Mike left me. He packed his things, shaking his head at my stack of tampon boxes as he collected his toiletries in the bathroom. “You know, Christie has a really good heart.” he said. “And I get my period every month like a normal person,” I tried to explain, but it was no use.
Four years of a beautiful relationship down the drain, all thanks to a lower-dosed estrogen pill Christie probably shoots with Smirnoff Ices, because deep down, she seems like that kind of girl.
As I scrolled through their page, I saw pictures of them in Aruba—Christi sporting a teeny bikini, no loose tampon string in sight. How does it even WORK? All I know is that I’m alone and bleeding a quarter of my best years away.
At least I can rest easy knowing that if Christie ever wants to switch up her birth control method and return to monthly periods like the rest of us normal people, Mike will probably up and leave her because he’s fickle and hates period sex. Take that, Dr. Christie!