Halloween Costumes For Your Unattractive Boyfriend

Halloween is roughly a month away, but you two already look like Beauty and the Beast. While many lovebirds are busy ordering adorable Tarzan-and-Jane costumes online, you don’t have that luxury, cause your boyfriend is only beautiful on the inside. Rest-assured–we’ve compiled a list of sexy costumes for your unsightly partner to let everyone focus on his personality:


Zombie President
Let everyone know he’s scary AND powerful with this undead combo. Simply have your boy-toy put on your favorite presidential mask, and cover any remaining visible skin in fake blood. His ample gut is perfect for Nixon or early-Clinton, and his ambling gait is a dead ringer for the undead. There’s no fantasy like being sexed by a diplomatic honcho while simultaneously being terrified of human mortality. You can easily match him by going as Sexy Zombie Monica Lewinsky or Regular Zombie Marilyn Monroe. What would he do without an effortless hottie like you? No, not “feel good about himself.” The answer is “die alone in a ditch.” Moving on!



The Mask of A Hot Person
Nothing is sure to bring a little kink to the boudoir this holiday season like a good old-fashioned celebrity mask. But what if your local Party City only carries Nixon and Clinton, Jason and Chucky? No problem: Just cut out the January 2013 People Magazine cover of Ryan Gosling, sew it onto a paper bag, and gently pull it over the misshapen head of your sweetheart. Works like a charm at the costume party and in the bedroom! You’ll make your Hollywood sex fantasy come true while also covering up his orgasm-destroying mug. You can go as Eva Mendes. You’re so hot and merciless – what are you even doing with a garbage person like him?


A Large Animal
Getting the “sexy” right can be more difficult if your boyfriend is ugly and overweight. Don’t worry, you literal Mother Teresa. We’ve got a solution for you, too. With fat furry costumes made so popular by out-of-shape sex perverts, you can really let him go off the leash! Fantasize about an exotic fox or dinosaur while your beloved is panting through nose slits. Who knows – you might even be able to keep your eyes open during sex! You should get tax-exempt status, because you are an actual charity!


When all else fails, there’s nothing like the old fashioned ghost bed sheet and some nose and mouth holes to get the party going. Then of course, you only need one other hole, too. Have a spooky good time, you monster!