Something intensely horrible has happened and you need to tell everyone right now. The only way to do that is by dramatically changing your hair. Take control of your broken life with this guide to find the perfect haircut for your own, unique meltdown:
The Situation: You Were Fired
The Look: Bangs
Works Best: In a Cubicle
You fucked up at work, possibly ruining your career, and you need to get your shit together ASAP. Bangs are the perfect way to recognize the need to straighten your life out. Start making life changes with the hair directly in front of your face. Bangs are a daily, mundane nuisance that tells potential employers you’re happy to put up with regular bullshit for little payoff.
The Situation: Your Boyfriend Dumped You
The Look: Pixie Cut
Works Best: In Your Bed, Under the Covers
First things first: if there’s a time to get in touch with your inner 90s lesbian, that time is now. Second, rocking a traditional unisex look lets him know you’re feeling empowered and free of the heteronormative standards of your relationship. Third, this easy, no fuss ‘do fits perfectly with your new routine of crying to Netflix documentaries alone in unwashed pajamas.
The Situation: You’ve Moved to a New City and Don’t Know Anyone
The Look: Perm or Dye Job
Worst Best: At the Local Bar
Showing up in a new town with some wild pink locks or crazy kinky curls will instantly make you the new “It” girl everyone wants to know. It will at least help the whole town recognize you as the same girl who’s been drinking alone all week.
The Situation: Unwanted Pregnancy
The Look: Bob
Works Best: In a Minivan
This haircut is perfect for a mom-on-the-go: this nondescript, practical hairstyle lets everybody know that you are no longer a sexual object – you’re a mom now. And you love it! You can only wear it one way, allowing you to focus the rest of your dwindling life on your new little one. Adorable!
The Situation: You’ve Gone Insane
The Look: Shaved Bald
Works Best: In the Tabloids
You’ve given up all hope and the whole world is going to implode us on anyway and why even bother with the trivialities of hair, or makeup, or love, or puppies in little tea cups because we all know its doesn’t mean ANYTHING – and BTW who even ASKED for an opinion on YOUR hair cut because it’s none of their G-DAMN BUSINESS and f**k it. Seriously, cut your hair off and show them you’re capable of ANYTHING.