Get Him to Ask You Out by Fucking Him

You’ve been waiting around for weeks for your coworker Matt to finally ask you out. You know he likes you—he sends you emails everyday with SMILEYS at the end! Today he even touched your arm while you were talking by the water cooler. YES! What a magical prince! But seriously how many Mad Men dresses do you have to wear to get this guy to buy you some freaking spaghetti? You’ve got to step up your game if you ever want Matt to realize that you have dinner potential written all over you. For the love of your future date with Matt, you’ve got to fuck Matt NOW! Here’s what you gotta do:

 

Step 1: Fuck Matt now!

Broom closet? Bathroom? Just get it over with as soon as possible. Once he’s hooked on your puss, you’re halfway there to getting that free flank steak and making things super awkward for the duration of your temp job.

 

Step 2: Keep fucking Matt.

Every day for at least a week. Whether it’s in your car or the parking lot pavement, just do it any way he wants. You deserve to be asked out by a guy you can really see a complicated dysfunctional future with!

 

 

Step 3: (See Step 2.)

Remain in an undefined secret sexual office relationship with Matt until he seems comfortable enough to take it to the next level—being seen in public eating food with your body opposite of his. Everyone will think you’re a real couple and maybe even assume the public eating started happening before the fucking.

 

Step 4: Stop fucking Matt for a week.

He will feel so incredibly awkward around you thinking that he did something wrong that the only thing he will say is something like, “Hey, haven’t seen you in a while. Want to grab a drink after this or something?” YES! You did it! Let the confusing emotional boyfriend-feelings period begin!

 

Now that you’ve got Matt in your masterful clutches, you’re gonna keep this pain train a-rollin’ for as long as possible, until he realizes you have actual human emotions for him and takes off running. But remember: You are a strong woman who knows how to get what she wants, and Matt is the restaurant-eating boyfriend of your dreams! Go get him, girl!