Friends Reminisce Over Wild, Gluten-Fueled College Years

Murder - Reductress

Brunching at a popular farm-to-table establishment in the Silver Lake area of Los Angeles, four long-time female friends spent most of Sunday afternoon reminiscing about their wild, gluten-fueled college years.


The four women, who met while studying at the University of Southern California, sat around a table made out of recalled outhouse doors waxed poetic about their near-constant consumption of gluten-based foods during college, even on school nights.


“Sometimes I would even bring a bagel or a muffin to class with me,” one friend noted. “I was so irresponsible.”


“I don’t even know how we did it,” said Lauren Wilkinson, about how much gluten they used to consume on a weekly basis. “We would seriously pre-game with five or six bags of pita chips before going out to a party.”


“We’d be a little sleepy and gassy by the time we got there,” Wilkinson continued, “but would just eat five slices of pizza and end up having sex with a stranger.”


Chloe Sommerville wistfully recalled the headaches, the foggy memories of the previous night, and the irritable bowel symptoms they frequently experienced the morning after a gluten-binge. “I legit pooped all over Cody’s bed whenever I passed out there,” Sommerville said. “Everywhere.”


During the nostalgia-filled brunch, Sommerville recounted how they would down cupcakes, breadbaskets and other gluten-rich treats with reckless abandon the morning after a binge to avoid gluten withdrawal. “Anything to keep that buzz going.”


“I would try to make out with all of you, then start sobbing, and then leave my ex a bunch of voicemails if I were to have all the gluten in the salad dressing nowadays,” she explained.


The four spoke fondly about considering their college days as one long gluten-binge, interspersed with a few periods of abstinence around the time of finals.



Musing on an especially “random” party in 2008, the entire group smiled as “Peg Leg” Simmons recounted how she chugged six cups of tapioca pudding and three cups of breadcrumbs on an empty stomach. “Everyone was chanting ‘PEG LEG! PEG LEG!’ and then I just turned around and straight up vommed all over Emily. It was so hilar. I’m laughing just thinking about it,” Simmons said, “I just can’t mix my glutens.”


“But things really changed for us after Blake died,” said Simmons about their deceased friend. “I mean, whatever, I’m totally over it, but it just really changed how I behaved around gluten.”


The friends confirmed Miller’s death in 2009 due to a rare and aggressive form of Celiac Disease. The friends now only partake in the occasional carbohydrate on the weekends, and are now busy focusing on their lives and careers.