Four Anti-Aging Creams that Will Severely Alter Your Personality

Beauty or blemish creams have taken skincare to the next level with multi-tasking formulas that utilize antioxidants, SPF, and most recently, behavior changing additives to keep you looking youthful! Here’s how to find the one that’s best for you.
 
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If You Have: Deep Smile Lines: Urban Decay Naked Skin Beauty Balm, ($23)

This lightweight formula firms the surface of your skin while its signature Micropapules™ penetrate the pores and permanently alter your brain chemistry with depressants – reducing instances of smiling by at least 89%. The emotional paralysis that follows is sure to bring out your inner stone-faced beauty.
 
Don’t Use: While operating heavy machinery
 
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If You Have: Age Spots: Clinique’s Age Defense Beauty Balm, ($37)

Don’t ask us how, but the geniuses at Clinique have concocted an Age Defense Beauty Balm that circumvents the damaging effects of UV rays. Sure it’s got the same SPF 30 as other tinted moisturizers, but it also boasts light sensitive phototonic spheres* that emit a small electric shock penetrating deep into your brain stem when exposed to direct sunlight. Ye-owch! That’s some tough love for your skin. But trust us – it’s worth it. Our intern Karen reported that she spent Sunday rocking in a corner of her apartment waiting for the pain to stop and saved herself the nasty sunburn she might have incurred at the beach.
 
*This product is not yet FDA approved but a Clinique rep. assured us that it tested 98% effective in clinical trials on Gulf War veterans.
 
Don’t Use: If you’re prone to conspiracy theories or seizures.

 

 
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If You Are: Plagued By Under-Eye Circles: Maybelline’s Dream Fresh BB Cream, ($8)

For a low price, Maybelline’s Dream Fresh BB Cream packs a heavy wallop of moisturizing sedatives to ensure you don’t go a day without beauty rest. Buildable coverage for those of us who prefer to nap for 12-15 hours a day.
 
Not for: Women with Jobs
 
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If You Have: Dull Skin: Clarins Skin Perfecting Cream ($48)

Dull skin getting you down? Become luminous with Clarins Skin Perfecting Cream. This smoothing veil eliminates sallow skin, fine lines, and the ability to differentiate your skin from the rest of the matter in the universe. Build up collagen with radiance boosting kiwi extract and tear down those pesky ego walls with crushed kofoo powder from Madagascar. The three-headed beaver people will help you relax into your newfound glow!
 
Don’t Use: If you’re uncomfortable waking up naked in a field surrounded by a group of “followers” who wish to “consume your essence.”