Look Tiffany, I know this week has been hard because you’re being a total weirdo to me but honestly I think you have it pretty darn good with a laid-back mom like me. Sometimes you’re super lame and don’t do the dishes or your homework and I let that shit slide. But recently you took your drama to the max and even though I had to take away your allowance, here are five reasons I am so much cooler than your friends’ moms:
I Didn’t Once Tell Steve You’re Totally Crushing on Him
Steve was like, “Does Tiffany think I’m hot or what?” And I totally could have been like, “Yeah she does.” But I didn’t. You want to know why? Because I’m a good mom. Also, Steve and I were having a lot of fun watching your softball game and I showed him what a totally cool mom you have by sneaking him one of my beers hidden in a koozie.
I Let You Borrow My Fav Sweater
That sweater is my life. I just can’t with it. And I super let you borrow it even though it did no favors to your skin tone. I never even told you it made you look short-waisted and chunky because you’re my baby girl. BTW, you still need to clean your room and find that so I can take it to the cleaners in time for my date with Lisa’s dad on Friday.
My Hair is So Much Better than Becky’s Mom’s
Becky’s mom’s hair looks like she’s a rabid raccoon who doesn’t even give a fuck. I am so much hotter than her and that’s because I love you so much. When you get over this hater phase of yours, we should go get highlights together.
That Time I Didn’t Let You Die Because Gross
Hey, remember that one time I didn’t let you die for 16 years? Because dying is gross and so not cool? Yeah, so do I.
I Know what Teens Want
Hey, I know what teenagers need—drugs. Believe me, I was a teen once and some people still think I am one (seriously I got carded like yesterday). Drugs are the only way you can be cool, Tiffany. You want to be cool, right? Stop being lame and just take one hit. I invited Steve and all your friends over on a school night, which I could totally get in trouble for so please don’t embarrass me!