Five Hot Ways to Beat This Year’s Polar Vortex

Last year’s Polar Vortex took many by surprise. This year, we’re prepared, and by “prepared” we mean “ready to have lots of sex under a heavy blanket.” Try to spice things up and make the most of the cold with these freaky ways to get through the freak weather:


 1. Have your man smother you in bear fat.

The use of bear fat dates back centuries when Native Americans used it to protect their skin against cold weather. But there is an added benefit to bear fat that you may not be aware of—sexy, glistening skin! Whether you get it from Amazon or the Amazon (are there bears there?), any bear fat will do. Just have your man grease you up from head to toe and you’ll have soft, supple, sexy skin that’ll have him hoisting you upon the radiator in no time.


2. Put on your liquor jacket!

Nothing like a fifth of vodka to ease those chattering teeth. This holiday season, get the courage to venture out to that holiday party by consuming copious amounts of alcohol. You be automatically sexy, and may wake up next to a stranger who will most likely still be warm the next morning.



3. Twerk underneath a heat lamp.

You’ve got to get your heart rate going, and what better way to do that than by twerking under that heat lamp you bought for your SAD? You’ll warm up your body and catch your guy’s eye. Hell, it’s cold enough to shake and bake!


4. Put hand warmers directly into your pants.

Purchase a pack of Hot Hands and some duct tape, and you’ll be on your way to heating up any room you walk into! Just try to keep his hands off your nether regions until he is acclimated to the tropical temperatures down there! Goodbye Polar Vortex shivers. Hello sex shivers.


5. Wear a wool scarf—wear only a wool scarf.

This may sound counterintuitive, but bear with me. He’ll be so concerned for your safety, trying to transfer his own body heat to you as quickly as possible, while also maintaining an erection. HUGE payoff!


If these five heat generators don’t warm you up, then I don’t know what will. Don’t let this year’s Polar Vortex get you down—let it get you laid!