Five Facts About Maple Water That Will Prove Sheila Wrong

These days it seems like you can’t even sneak a granola bar from the break room without your office’s resident health nut going on about the virtues of whatever superfood is hot this month. You just do not have it in you to listen to Sheila tell you more about maple water, the shit that drips out of trees right where bears take shits. It’s time to put her in her place with these five facts:


1. Sugar, Sheila. SUGAR.

The biggest fact is hiding in plain sight. Maple water has natural sugars and sugar is poison. Just ask Sheila herself, who told you your donut habit could kill you.


2. The maple water craze was started by Big Cereal.

Sure, this is a conspiracy theory, but it’s certainly as fact-based as half the things Sheila says. If maple water is tree sap and maple syrup is boiled tree sap, it naturally follows that flooding the market with maple water means a shortage of maple syrup, which means fewer people buying pancakes and more people eating cereal. You’re a pawn, Sheila. A pawn in a very large game of chess.


3. It’s 98% Water, 2% Deadly Spirits.

The maple orchards of the northeast are scenic, majestic, oh and very likely planted on ancient indigenous burial grounds. The nutrients you’re downing are literally rooted in decomposed bodies. But I’m sure it’s fine. Who doesn’t expect a little evil dead in their beverage here and there?



4. It’s not even “In” anymore.

The thing about trends, Sheila, is that by definition they don’t last. So while you were busy forwarding emails about maple water’s health benefits, a younger, cooler drink alternative rode into town. It’s called Porcelain Water, and it’s bottled from public toilets. No, it’s not true, but it could be! Get over it, Sheila!


5. Maple water won’t bring Steve back.

We get it: You’re going through a divorce and the attention you get from your knowledge of health trends is all you have. But tree sap won’t mend your broken heart any more than a positive attitude will cure cholera. Take a few days off, do a trauma timeline, eat your way through a bundt cake, and call your girlfriend the personal trainer like the rest of us.


What’s that? A silent break room? Now that’s refreshing!