Female Survivalist Unprepared For Love Attack

An extreme survivalist was blindsided recently by a force she had not yet encountered on her adventures: love.


Sitting in her bunker, surrounded by 500 12-gallon impenetrable tanks of clean water and 50 radiation-resistant lockers full of freeze-dried foods, Ursa Jarvis recounts the assault that recently rocked the foundation of her concrete walls. Jarvis, a woman prepared for anything, was the victim of a “love attack.”


Jarvis claims most Americans will die in the apocalyptic World War that will commence immediately following the 87th Academy Awards, with the exception of a few prepared “outliers” like her. She is prepared for every step of this dystopian future. Or she thought she was.


Benji, a five-year employee of UPS, was assigned to her delivery route after the last postal worker tore a vertebra in his neck lifting sacks of grain. It turned out that Benji, with his blue eyes and ability to sing every song ever written by The Eagles, was more than Jarvis could have prepared for.


“All of a sudden, my defenses were down and I was acting like a little girl,” Jarvis confesses. “I had never felt like that before. I kept imagining our happy, above-ground life together, having kids, growing old together, and dying of causes unrelated to nuclear radiation. It was like my entire game plan for the apocalypse went right out the window.”



But suddenly, after five blissful months and over 500 packages containing essential items such as socks and self-powered flashlights, Benji delivered a package she didn’t order. “He left a note to say he wasn’t in love with me, had never been in love with me.” His job had him stopping at the homes of dozens of women every day, women who’d never spent 80 hours alone in a small cell, just to prove to themselves they could tolerate extreme isolation.


Jarvis shrugs toward her carefully stocked water. “Those 250 tanks,” she confesses, “may as well be filled with my tears.”


She leaves the door open a crack when we go, even with the potential oncoming danger of Ebola-carrying pigeons unleashed by Iceland. “Benji might come back,” she mumbles inside her Hazmat suit. “I just hope he comes back before the great cleansing.”