Secretary of Defense Worried Female Soldiers ‘Too Abrasive’ for Combat

New U.S. Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter recently released a plan to address results of a government study showing female soldiers might be “too abrasive” for military combat.


One simulation found that combatants felt more comfortable when faced with a male soldier due to the fact that they could “be totally confident he was trying to fuck shit up and not just PMSing or something.”


Participants associated aggressive male soldiers with words like “brave,” “badass,” “Rambo,” and “respect, bro.” Female soldiers, on the other hand, elicited associations including “crazy chick,” “vag bleeder,” and “Alanis Morissette.”


“The U.S. military takes our service women very seriously,” said President Obama. “But if they could twirl their hair more and stop yelling at me for leaving the toilet seat up, there is no doubt in my mind that we could end the conflict in the Middle East once and for all.”


“Our female soldiers really need to be more dateable,” echoed Carter. “Watch any movie and it’s always the really hot women in those sexy boots that are kicking ass.”



Suggested courses of action include adding seductive Ring Pops to suck on, borrowing the sailorette costumes from the last Broadway revival of South Pacific, and assigning Steve Harvey’s Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man to all troops.


“What happened to classy women like Cleopatra and Catherine the Great?” Donald Trump asked when the subject was raised at a recent campaign stop. “You know how they served their countries? By sleeping with powerful men. That’s how we can make America great again.”


A survey of the world’s leading super powers said that female soldiers’ perceived authority ranked somewhere between “not sure of gender” to “kind of like Rose McGowan before she chopped off all her hair.” Respondents said they weren’t sure if female soldiers were “going to invade my country or kind of just screech at me and key my car. Women are crazy.”



“I’m just really sorry that I haven’t been able to get across my ideas in a way that is fully communicated to the enemy,” one female soldier told reporters. “I mean, really, like it would be terrific if we could just regroup next time and maybe he could take the first shot and let me sort of bounce off that idea assuming I’m not bleeding out from a fatal wound or anything annoying like that! Sorry to interrupt!”


Female soldiers concede that they are more focused on more pressing matters, such as getting the same amount of bullets as men.