The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced the capture of fugitive Joanne Chesimard, the first female named to the FBI’s Most Wanted List. After a brief hostage situation, Chesimard surrendered to U.S. agents upon being offered her own reality television show. Officials teamed with three television producers to announce a handsome TV deal to lure Chesimard back from Cuba.
“Ms. Chesimard,” said FBI media spokesperson Agent Darryl Whitaker. “Your crimes are heinous, and the American people want justice. We will provide that justice, and entertainment, by giving you a 22-minute weekly slot on one of America’s best reality show networks, Bravo.”
Whitaker promised Chesimard partial immunity, a designer ankle-tracking device, and four quirky friends, should she agree to be extradited to the US and start taping her show immediately. Agent Whitaker pitched the show to the network as, “what happens when a fugitive cop killer stops hiding with Fidel, and starts getting real retribution for her actions.”
Forty years ago, Chesimard shot and killed a police officer before escaping prison and decamping to Cuba.
“I would like to thank the Cuban government for sheltering me from extradition all these years,” Ms. Chesimard said. “Cuba understood my beliefs, my anger with the United States government and systems of power. However, the opportunity to have my story broadcast to millions of homes each week is too good to pass up—even if I have to go to prison for the rest of my life. Plus, they’re paying me.”
Chesimard was flown to Miami, where she was acquitted in a trial before a stern but likeable judge and sent to her mansion to live with the pool boy, Bert; nosy ex-pat British neighbor Dame Fancy; best friend Lisa, who loves chocolate; and Fidel: a dog with a big personality and an even bigger heart.
“We’ll be pleased to have Ms. Chesimard on our network,” said Bravo executive Bruce Gerber. “We picture Real Housewives-meets-The First 48, with at least one gun range episode. And of course, we’d love to arrange a Black Panthers reunion.”