So many young girls look up to the Disney princesses as their female role models, but there is something to be learned from animals, too. Nala, anyone?! That was one sassy little lion. Let’s face it. Sometimes animals are just better than people.
Mulan could have just as easily and effectively been played by a panda bear. And no, it’s not just because she’s Chinese. Sure it’s an issue that women are underrepresented in the military, but when was the last time a panda was allowed to fight? Never. Oh no wait, I guess they did that in Kung Fu Panda. Whatever, we all had more fun watching that big fat bear, right?
Ariel is a tough one because she is already half human, half fish. Disney should have just sacked up and made her 100% fish to save her poor dad from having a massive stroke every time she falls for someone outside her species. Flounder would finally have a chance with her. We’ve all seen the way you’ve been looking at her, Flounder. That’s not a piece of phallic-shaped coral in your pocket. You guys would make a cute couple if we ripped off that dumb womanly torso and head and replaced it with a fish face.
Jasmine would have been great as a mouse. Aladdin is a street rat, right? It works for Mickey and Minnie. And if Aladdin is supposed to be such a “diamond in the rough”, and he’s not just falling for Jasmine just because she’s a hot piece of ass, let’s put his depth to the test and see if he falls for her if she’s a disgusting little city mouse (but be sure to keep her strong-willed feminism in tact). Imagine how cute her puffy little cheeks would be!
Don’t get me started on this loony toon. She already talks to the birds and mice, A.K.A. her “best friends,” so I say just let her be a goddamn bird and be done with it. Plus we’ll avoid a huge headache in the end because a bluebird definitely can’t fit its foot into a glass slipper. She doesn’t need a man. She needs a big fat worm to gobble down adorably.
5. Sleeping Beauty
Easy: koala. Koalas sleep up to 18 hours a day! If a koala pricked her finger on a spindle and was forced into an eternal sleep, it wouldn’t be an evil punishment; it would be the best day of her lazy little life! Imagine the outsized snores and adorable sleeping koala shots throughout half of this movie.
So the next time you want to take your daughter to the cinema to see the latest Disney princess flick, do her and the rest of the world a favor: stay home and watch Youtube videos of animals doing things instead.