Calf-divots, Pinchy Nose, & ‘Blups’ – Body Parts To Lose Sleep Over in 2014

eyes

Forget thigh gaps and bikini bridge, here’s the skinny on all the latest sources of body shame:

 

Pinchy Nose

We all go a little overboard when it comes to weight loss, especially in the nose. Skinny noses are the new fat noses–they’re OUT. Avoid a super skinny, “pinchy nose” or you’ll risk having men gag when they look at you. Tone up those noses!

 

Calf Divots

Want to go see Avatar in theaters? Of course not – it isn’t fucking 2009. Super-defined calf-muscles are for body builders and psychopath exes, so lose those calf divots by capri season. And for the love of God stop wearing capris. You know better. You and those funky-ass divots.

 
DC-Dysmorphia
 

Blups

Ever notice how sometimes ears can be, like…weird? The best way to describe it is something with the lobes. And don’t say “lobey” because that’s different. There was this woman on the subway the other day – total blup-case. It was the worst. Blups are out.

 

Shapey

It’s no secret that if men had their druthers, they’d spend all day fucking a long, flat piece of driftwood. Having shape is definitely a ‘don’t’ this year.

 

Unshapey

It’s never not unsecret that by now men are completely bored with fucking long, flat pieces of driftwood. It’s all about balance. Tone it down!

 

Thumbs

Lose ‘em. Or at least figure out how to hide them.

 

Smerts™

Haven’t figured out exactly where to put these, but we secured the naming rights for when it blows up. Smell…shorts? No. Anyway–could be huge come thongkini sea