New Fad Vegetables to Intimidate the Co-op Into Carrying

It’s been a long time coming, but today is the day to call out your bullshit co-op and their bullshit selection of shitty vegetables. If your co-op doesn’t start pulling its weight in getting the rarest, healthiest, trendiest organic vegetables ASAP, you’ll have to leave this city and buy a home in Connecticut just to spite them for not keeping up and having vegetables that are each unique snowflakes. Vegetables like these:

 

Kai-lan

This stuff’s for when you’ve had it up to here with broccoli and want a more Asian-style broccoli. Why in god’s name would they not carry something as basic as this?

 

Romanesco

You want Romanesco because it’s neon green and exotic as hell. Did you know that Stop and Shop actually carries many organic fruits and vegetables that are no less basic than this heinous crap the co-op’s been dishing out for months?!

 

Tiger Nuts

They’re weird and kind of gothic. If the co-op isn’t going to carry the vegetables other stores can’t find, what’s the point of being in this stupid food club, anyway? You’re not here for your health! That’s not why you bought into this membership!

 

 

Purple Carrots

You don’t want to buy orange carrots like the ones everybody else serves with hummus. What are you, a serial killer? You want to serve purple carrots. The kind you see on folksy hand-stitched aprons from the ’70s. If you don’t deserve that from your co-op, who does?

 

Celeriac

You want the life of always having cool vegetables in your fridge–the life you had always dreamed of. That’s why you moved to a city! That’s why you bought this co-op membership! That’s why–is your nose bleeding?

 

Blue Potatoes

Are you seriously going to buy tan potatoes AGAIN? When did you fall off the map on all things relevant, and insist on being such a hot mess? If you wanted a tan potato, you’d go to your neighborhood smack dealer and buy one. The next time you walk inside that co-op, canvas bag hanging from your arm, and you see a display of tan potatoes,  pick the biggest one and throw it through the front window. That’s what you’re going to do.

 

Do you see that you are slowly adhering to basic suburban grocery store standards? Do you realize you deserve to be wowed with mystical vegetables only found in other parts of the world? That’s what you want from your co-op. That’s what you need from your co-op. If they’re not going to meet your basic needs, take your funds to the co-op next door, or the one two doors from that one.