Let’s face the facts: the only way to make the flawed female form attractive enough to bear is painstaking maintenance. But did you know that your excessive, un-groomed hair follicles are decreasing the quality of life of everyone around you? Here’s why:
1. Because Science Says So
In men aged 18 to 35, the sight of third-day leg hair even after only ten seconds of exposure have been proven to cause erectile dysfunction and irrational bouts of sports-related anger. Some long term psychological studies even suggest boys under 18 exposed to the sight may experience chronic symptoms of technology-related objectophilia, emotional illiteracy, and a lifelong fear of bathrooms.
2. Vagina Hair Makes Penises Feel Small
When you’re getting down to do the deed with your main squeeze, he doesn’t want anything obstructing his view of his manly member probing your tidy genitalia. If you let your pubic hair grow beyond a reasonable length (about a grain of pepper), your man might realize how insignificant he is in comparison and spiral into a deep existential crisis, wondering if his life has any meaning.
3. Armpit Hair Endangers Men and Women Alike
It might sound nice to not have to drag a sharp blade under your arms every day for the rest of your life, but clearly you haven’t considered the damage you’re causing to innocent people around you. Yoga class, for instance, is supposed to be a safe space for peacefully getting in touch with your sleek, dolphin-like body, not for being subjected to the dangling arm pubes of unhygienic strangers. Exposure to armpit hair can result in a momentary loss of concentration and catastrophic spine injuries amongst practitioners of yoga, Zumba, surfing, and stadium demonstrations of “the wave.”.
4. Hair is Deceptively Sharp
While visual exposure to unkempt body hair is the most common of hair-related traumas, physical injury is among the most painful. Leg hair is the most common culprit of physical abrasions and can turn unsuspecting loved ones into victims of hair-related violence in their most vulnerable moments. Unshorn leg hair is particularly dangerous for significant others, and toddlers who are low to the ground and looking for balance support.
The next time you think about putting off your personal grooming, remember that you’re not just hurting yourself, but everyone around you, making it difficult for them to function at a basic human level. You don’t want to bring even more sadness into the world, do you?