Baking With Resentment – Recipes That Show You Care More Than They Do

Sometimes we want to bake something for the ones we love, to show them how much harder we love them than they love us. Use the recipes to remind family members of the constant imbalance in your relationship:

 

“I’m Vegan Now” Chocolate Cake

Your son is gracing the family with his presence for “Solstice” this year, and two weeks ago he decided to become vegan. Sure, you can accommodate his very meaningful lifestyle choice! You are happy to do it!

 

1 cup all-purpose flour, but you know its only true purpose is keeping your family happy above all!

⅓ cup cocoa powder (or cacao if they prefer!)

1 cup agave, because you know what that is and your local grocery store definitely has it!

1 tsp baking soda (this is vegan, right?)

1 whole avocado because who doesn’t want avocado in a cake! Mothers who DON’T love their sons, that’s who!

1 cup warm water, very important that it’s warm! Cold or hot will not do and will ruin everything! Follow these directions exactly because you care that much!

⅓ cup vegetable oil

Ingredients for a second cake that the rest of the family will eat

 

 

Preheat oven to 350F, the temperature of selfless love. In the 8×8 inch square pan your life’s been reduced to, mix the flour, “cacao” powder, agave, and baking soda. Mash a fucking avocado in there. Add the warm fucking water and vegetable oil in this separate step because this recipe book owns you. Bake for 30 minutes while you make second cake. Cool on a cooling rack along with your expectations of gratitude. Eat in the dark kitchen on Christmas Eve after son cancels at the last minute.

 

“Can We Make Brownies?” Brownies

Your husband has a sweet tooth, but he also has a bad heart. Who can say no to that sweet, demanding face? With a few inconvenient substitutions, you can both cater to his whims and care more about his health than he does! Can “we” make brownies? “We” would love to!

 

¾ cup sugar

¼ cup reduced-calorie stick margarine, softened but not melted so if it melts go back and start over. Slam the refrigerator door if that helps.

1 large egg, AND

1 large egg white, because that one extra yolk could be the next heart attack.

1 8oz block 1/3-less-fat cream cheese, yes, 1/3-less-fat, not “half,” not “reduced,” and for all that is holy, NOT “fat-free.” Are you trying to kill your husband?

¼ cup unsweetened cocoa

1 tbsp almond extract, because vanilla would be too easy

¼ cup “measures-like-sugar” calorie-free sweetener – but do your research, the wrong one could give him cancer.

3 tbsp 1 ½ % milk (you may need to make this yourself)

 

Keep oven at 350F from cooking dinner. Beat sugar and margarine with a mixer until light and fluffy, a completely achievable feat that creates no mess. Add egg, egg white, and almond extract. Beat well. Gradually add flour and cocoa, beating well. Seriously, beat well until your hands are numb because it’s never enough. Nothing is ever enough.

 

Mix the rest of the stuff and put your head it in the oven for 30 minutes while you clean the mixer. Cool on a wire rack while you continue cleaning the mixer.

 

Your Own Birthday Cake

1 set car keys

1 wallet

0 fucks

 

Drive to the grocery store. Purchase your own cake. Your own goddamn birthday cake. Eat in the car while watching Scandal on your phone in your driveway. Buy another cake. Repeat until somebody fucking notices.