Babies: Just Pet Humans?

Male Gaze

Small, cute, and poopy. Think about it. You name a baby, you name a pet. You feed a baby, you feed a pet. You get kicked out of a bar for bringing a baby, you get kicked out a bar for bringing a pet. So aren’t babies just, like, pet humans? Should we not combine Petco and Babies ‘R Us? Why haven’t we made a one-species-fits-all leash yet? Here’s why I think babies are really just pet humans:


They drool.

Both drool everywhere. This is the kind of behavior you see in pets, not people!


They’re poor.

Babies and dogs don’t have any money. I would NEVER open a bank account for a baby or a Lhasa Apso. Neither babies nor dogs know how to spend money, let alone save it. That kind of thing is for humans.


You can put them in weird carrying devices.

A baby strapped to your chest is basically like a Chihuahua on a leash (and vice versa). Both need to be contained while also being great little accessories to distract you and your friends from the pain of living.


They will poop anywhere.

Whether it’s in the library or on your neighbor’s lawn, babies and pets will poop wherever they please and expect you to take care of it. In both cases, it’s adorably dumb and pet-like.


They make you think you’re their friend but are probably just using you for food.

Babies just make you think that you made them smile because they want you to feed them. They’re like snakes, and those Goldfish Crackers you have in your hand are like pinkie mice…


You can blame your farts on them.

Both pets and babies smell and neither can talk so fart away!


They’re rude.

Babies and pets don’t care if you’re in a quiet area of the park, they’ll ruin your date night by barking or crying, even after saving you from that awkward farting incident.


I think I’ve made a pretty compelling argument as to why you’re looking at your baby the wrong way. So next time you try to treat your baby better than your ferrets, think again: You’re just wrong.