Accessories to Hide Those Sausage Fingers

Do dogs start salivating when they see your fingers? Have you ever gotten stopped on the Oscar Meyer Weiner Factory tour because employees thought you were stealing? Has a drunk at a Mets game tried to smother your fingers in mustard and eat them?

 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you might be suffering from dactylitis, more commonly referred to as “sausage fingers.” (Hint: if you just cringed at the sight of the quotation marks here because they serve as a cruel reminder of your inability to use air quotes since they make your massive fingers somehow look even chubbier, you definitely suffer from it!) But don’t despair! We’re here to help you hide the signs of your disgusting condition with a list of fun and easy accessories!

 

Large, Loose Sleeves

Small, close-fitting sleeves can make your fat fingers look even bigger. Yuck! Long, large and loose-fitting sleeves, however, will do the opposite. So, try to incorporate more choir robes and pirate shirts into your wardrobe. Trust us, the puzzled looks people might give you for your fashion choices will pale in comparison to the scorn and ridicule that’s heaped upon you daily on account of your monster digits.

 

Vertical Nail Art

As you’ve probably learned by now, vertical lines slim and draw the eye up. Use this knowledge next time you go get your nails done so you can go from being a stubby-fingered social pariah to being a total Mariah (she has such slim fingers)!

 

Self-tanner and Contouring Makeup

Contouring isn’t just for celebrities to define their cheekbones and abs! Now you can use it on your fingers to make them go from “pudgy to “almost normal.”

 

iPhone 6

You should have already upgraded to the newest iPhone to not look like a poor loser, and now there’s even more reason to buy one: the enormous size of the phone will help trick people into thinking your gigantic butt-scratchers are just regular-sized. You probably weren’t able to use the older iPhone anyway, with those grotesque flesh balls you call fingers always hitting too many buttons at once.

 

 

Hand Muffs

When people tell you that you don’t need to be wearing that muff since it’s 100 degrees out, what they’re really saying is that they are jealous of the mystery you’ve created around your hands. Maybe you don’t even have fingers—they can’t prove anything! And what’s sexier than a fingerless femme? Nothing.

 

An Enormous, Fake Wedding Ring

Compared to the size of the ring, your fingers will definitely look a little less sasquatchy. Not only that, but everyone will assume you are married and are therefore not worth aesthetically considering at all. Win-win!

 

Pumice stone

If all else fails, try some exfoliation. Get a hard pumice stone and rub that skin all the way off to the bone. Those monstrosities coming out of your hands will look at least 20% thinner without skin. Note: do not bandage.

 

Well, there you have it—the answer to your fat-fingered prayers! Now use these accessories to finally get out there and appear as an unremarkable member of society!