As drug fads come and go, one way to trip balls will always stay en vogue: dehydrating yourself in a 115-degree room to the point of unconsciousness. It’s no wonder why people everywhere love hot yoga! Use this guide to recreate the poses that give you the most haunting visions:
Awkward Pose – Utkatasana
After blacking out during Utkatasana, you find yourself squatting in a field of bees that start stinging you. Something comes pouring out of the wounds – it tastes like honey! The bees teach you their secret song, while covering your face in pollen as a way of transporting it to the hive. You have an allergic reaction, causing your face to bubble and turning you into a pink dragon monster. You cross continents and crush Japanese homes. You meet a zebra in Africa who impregnates you with his baby. You taste the money he gives you and realize it’s honey.
Balancing Stick – Tuladandasana
The visions of Tuladandasana are the most childlike. You find yourself diving into a pool of marshmallows. The bad lady is there. “No Marshmallows for Meredith!” she screams. “Ducks melt me,” she says as she melts. You also melt and your eyeballs roll down the hill away from the pool of your melted corpse, passing two meatballs who are throwing a party. “Come on in eyeballs,” the meatballs say. “Groovy,” the eyeballs say. They dance the night away then realize they’re too drunk to drive so they order a cab. The cab shows up and it’s your old friend from preschool, Lucas. Lucas comes and dances but he squishes the meatballs and the eyeballs because he’s a car and very big and a bad dancer. He cries alone in his room because he’s killed all his friends.
Tree Pose – Tadasana
As you pass out during Tadasana, you find yourself in London. You are Big Ben, praying to Bigger Ben. Your nose is the minute hand. It falls off and goes deep into the earth. All the British earthworms are drinking tea and eating crumpets and watching Mary Poppins. You tell them about jumping through the chalk drawings and they think you’re crazy. They send you to a therapist who is a goat. He says you just need to go to the eye doctor. The eye doctor is a large ham who makes you check your Facebook to see if you can read. Everyone unliked your profile picture but you feel happy because you’re a wizard now.
Dead Body Pose – Savasana
As your body cools down in Savasana, you’ll experience chilling visions. You’re going down a luge. On your left is an unread valentine from your high school stalker Sergio. To your right is Vladimir Putin. Putin is very mad that you are doing so well at his Olympics. He is wearing a cat as a hat. Finally, when you’re an old woman, Peter Pan comes to save you but he is also very old. You kiss his wrinkles and start making out HARD. A dam breaks. A beaver chews a carrot. P-Squared. You realize the world will never understand love.
Blowing in Firm Pose – Kapalbhati in Vajrasana
Inducing the quickest loss of blood circulation to my head, this pose induces rapid-fire hallucinations.
You are mad cool truck. A momma raccoon comes to claim her baby. Ray-Bans. The raccoon tries to transform into a truck. All your friends are in grad school while you’re forced to eat pennies on an aircraft carrier. People eat crepes together but the crepes ninja throwing stars ninja stars ninja stars. The strong taste of 4 cinnamon Altoids in your mouth. The number 2.
Standing Deep Breathing – Pranayama
The Pranayama vision is always the same. You sing Ingrid Michaelson’s ‘Be OK’ at the high school talent show over and over again and everyone loves it.
There’s a hot yoga pose for every hallucination, so get out there and experiment with overheating yourself!