There’s nothing like the joy of a new pregnancy to remind your friend about all the good times you had as single ladies—times you will never fully share again now that she’s with child. Her belly swells with new life, just as it used to with huevos rancheros—and that’s fucking bullshit. Show her how empty her future, brunch-less life will be with these gifts!
1. Double-wide Stroller
Having twins is so exciting and nothing is more accommodating than this luxury double-wide stroller. In fact, literally none of the restaurants you used to go to will accommodate a party over three without reservations, and that stroller really just doesn’t go with a New American bistro aesthetic. Gift her this stroller to say, “Nothing will ever be the same.”
2. Nursing Cover-Up
Remember back when you two would take turns flashing the host at Montmartre some nipple in order to get a good table? No way that’s happening with those chapped nips. This breastfeeding cover will remind her that you’ll have to settle for IHOP a couple months from now instead of having your usual eggs benedict with salmon and chives.
3. Cocktail Shaker
You ordered this custom “besties” shaker off Etsy back when you had aspirations for cooking up poached eggs over arugula for all the girls in your cute new studio. Tell her she can use it to mix up some formula now, or however you’re supposed to do that. She is lame and it’s the baby’s fault.
4. Jessica Alba Honesty Cotton Bib
This lil’ bib with sailboats is the perfect gender-neutral reminder of that one time you went to the weird barbecue and mimosa place that literally had a line down the block. But also of that time you threw up after five margaritas and mommy-to-be wiped the vomit off your face. So awesome she has someone to do that for all the time now who won’t even get her jokes! What a piece of shit baby!!
You’ll really miss those brunches when you talked about all that dick she got (before she started talking about cervical mucus like a fucking freakazoid). This is sort of like one of those gag gifts people give at baby showers (or is it bridal showers?) and also reminds her that her brunch convo game will forever be sapped. Great job getting knocked up, ya dummy!
6. Plush Dog
IDK if you heard, but babies apparently like this kind of shit and you had an extra Target gift card lying around so what the hell? Are you two even friends anymore? What is your friendship supposed to be based on if not fly-as-hell weekend boozy brunches?! She hasn’t had a drink in eight months so she’s basically already dead to you anyway. Bye, Felicia!
Childbirth is a miracle that is nothing compared to a good brunch. Let your friend no how much she has ruined your brunch-loving life with the creation of another human life with a good baby shower gift.