Dating… who has the time? Not you, that’s for sure! Trying to fit men into your already slammed schedule would be like trying to cram another box of wine in your trashcan—completely undoable. Here are some things you’ve been too swamped with to put any effort into not dying alone:
1. Totally owning games on your phone.
It takes hours of dedication and months of celibacy to get this good at crushing candy. Sure, no one has touched your body this calendar year, but no one has touched your high score either, and that’s really the best kind of satisfaction. Who has time for swiping left and right when you’re this fucking busy?
2. Trying to get a handle on that weird rash.
You’ve been totally enthralled with trying to figure out that strange cluster of splotches on your stomach—even your dermatologist is stumped. You’re going to need a little “me” time and a lot of hydrocortisone cream before you can even think about taking the time to get to know someone. Tell mom to get off your back!
3. Working on your passion.
It’s funny how you can just stumble upon a new passion by accident, but one Saturday night Pinterest bender was all it took, and now you make bento boxes, inspirational sayings, and Mason jar salads like a boss. Your co-worker Gloria said your creations always end up looking kind of phallic and weird. But Gloria’s always been a jealous bitch with her dumb husband and house and life.
4. Spending time with your Grandma Ruth because she isn’t going to be around forever, you know.
Grandma Ruth is a riot! But she’s always cooped up in the nursing home all day with her roommate, Clyde. You ladies are basically inseparable, and you have such witty banter. She’s constantly saying funny things to you, like “You’re STILL not married?” and “Get out of my room, you cock-block!” This kind of shit takes up a lot of time.
5. Avoiding Ebola.
This is a lifetime commitment in itself. From the protective gear to the avoidance of public spaces, avoiding Ebola takes up at least all of your already-busy waking hours. Anyway, why do people talk about dying alone like it’s the worst thing imaginable? You know what’s worse than dying alone? Dying alone from Ebola.
As anyone can see, you’ve got way too much going on right now to be dating. So, you can go back to minding your own business, Mom.