You’ve got a tiny little heart-shaped bladder that needs to be released every 20 minutes, but sometimes the bathroom is being occupied by some other pee-filled human. Oh no! You’ve done every kind of emergency pee before: squatting in the woods, holding it long enough to get kidney damage, and peeing into an empty Big Gulp, but now it’s time to pull out the big guns. Here are some good things to pee in before your bladder explodes:
1. Vintage Cash Register
No one’s ever gonna open that thing up. After you refurbished it and painted it pink, it gets nothing but compliments; and that will probably stop when you fill it up with your urine-scented urine.
2. My Little Pony Heads
C’mon: They’re hollow inside! Fill those adorable suckers to the brim with your body-water. No purchase necessary, just put ‘em right back on the shelf! No one will ever know you peed in something other than a porcelain bucket filled with gross water that’s attached to a horrific crap-laden, underground cavern.
3. Lava Lamp
You’re funky! And this lamp is old as shit. It’s also filled with water that has probably turned into piss at this point anyway. Show people that you’re a thoughtful pisser and add some fancy new yellow bubbles to that sad old 60s relic! You’re a genius!
4. Your Old Lotion Bottles
We know you have at least ten old skincare bottles lying around because hello, LANDFILLS! Well, don’t let those tried-and-true containers go to waste. Upcycle that Jergen’s bottle into a mini toilet! If you’re a real Earth Momma, you can use the piss to water your plants. Namaste!
5. Crystal Wine Glass(es)
Maybe it’s time to bust out those special occasion glasses you’ve been saving for nothing. Don’t worry; your cats aren’t going to tell anyone how fancy you are. That’s between you, them, and your roommate who is watching you get piss everywhere right now because they just came out of the bathroom. Quick, pretend you’re sleepwalking!
See, there are plenty of fun n’ flirty things to pee in besides that old spaghetti jar or boring Tupperware container. You’re an amazing person who doesn’t settle for mediocrity, so try to love yourself and where you pee. And never let anyone tell you there’s a bathroom right around the corner.