When you’re having a bad day, the quickest way to feel better is to make your friends feel even worse. Making your friends self-conscious can be a great ego boost – here’s how to play on their insecurities so that you can feel superior, if only for a moment!
Overpay on Your Group Check
Did you have a single beer and a couple of Jenna’s fries? Don’t look at the check, and throw a twenty in the pile like it’s nothing. Your friends will nervously figure out your change, feeling very poor in comparison.
Gush About Other Friends
Which friends are you physically proximate to, right now? Think of friends not on that list, and gush about them. You’re a generous person, because you’re not talking about yourself, and your friends are small, because you clearly don’t feel this way about them.
Remark on How Exhaustingly Fulfilling Life Is
Force a weary smile and the bright-eyed confession that you’re just so exhausted by your rewarding job, loving family, and “creative hobbies” you pursue on the side! Express curious incredulity when your friends describe their Netflix binges or the self-defeating boredom of applying to jobs. Your beleaguered sense of responsibility in light of their juvenile failures will make them feel super small.
Steer the Conversation to Complex Topics You’ve Thoroughly Researched For This Purpose
Everything your friends say is an opportunity to remind them of something completely unrelated about which you have an opinion. They’ll feel totally ignorant when you dish on your complicated feelings about a politically tumultuous foreign country – especially Jenna, who was just talking about her haircut, like the shallow shell of a person that she is.
Literally Stand Over Them
Use every opportunity to get your friends in a schlumpy, awkward sitting position. Offer them the saggy couch, or that weird chair in your house no one usually sits in. Meanwhile, you can bustle, upright, active, and tall. Not like the itsy bitsy troll in that weird chair.