Shopping for the dad you actually know on Father’s day has always been a daunting task. Shopping for a dad that you just met two weeks before Father’s day is not only daunting, but pretty darn awkward. What do you get for the dad you don’t know, thought you would never know, and were more than happy to not know based on stories you heard about him? Here are some creative shopping ideas for the dad who decided to find himself, and unfortunately, you.
For the Dad with the Roving Eye: Venus Fly Trap
Have you been told by your mom that your dad was the Johnny Appleseed of guys? He generously offered his penis to every woman he came within a five-mile radius, yet couldn’t keep that penis in one place for long? Give him a gift that really shows his personality—a colorful plant that sucks the life out of things! Easy to maintain, this plant can be placed next to his bed to give the next lady a hopeful clue of what is going to happen to her.
For Your Alcoholic Dad: Bathroom Rails
He’s been on the wagon for the last four months, but it’s only a matter of time before he falls off again. At least, that is what your horrified mom told you when he sent you a Facebook message saying he was your dad. You just met him, so why lose him again to a fall into a tub of his own vomit? Get your newfound father the gift of bathroom guardrails! Easy to install by even the most inebriated person, these guardrails will ensure you will not lose your dad a second time, hopefully.
For Homeless Dad: A Large Tent
What says “I really don’t want you to stay with me, man I just met” like a beautiful tent for him to live in! Easy to carry on your back or in a grocery store shopping cart, this gift item saves you from dealing with all the dysfunctional behavior that led to his homelessness in the first place.
For Angry Dad: Yoga Classes
You got the email in all caps informing you that he is your dad with an angry manifesto about life. Chill that guy out with a gift certificate to his local Yoga Class. This is an easy gift to send via email so you don’t have to see him get violently angry about the gift for no comprehensible reason.
For A Mix of all the above: A Collage of your life.
If your dad is a mixture of all of the above and you just don’t know what to get him, make a DIY collage of every event (both wonderful and rotten) pasted onto a “Best Dad” Plaque. The back of the plaque should have the letter/email of him getting a hold of you. This is a gift that says “these are the things you missed” and “reaching out to me now does not redeem your lifetime’s absence.