You’ve got a kind, loving husband who listens and communicates in a respectful manner. But sometimes you miss all the hate sex and stonewalling you had with guys you dated in your 20s. Here are the five men you’re missing in your boring, stable, functional, marriage-ridden 30s.
Your husband believes in never going to bed angry. When you fight, you’ve got to air your feelings and talk until you reach an agreement. Ugh. It’s times like these when you miss the Mute, who reacted to conflict by sinking into a stony silence and going off the grid for weeks at a time. You were never sure if he was homicidal or just didn’t give a shit, but the Mute spared you from many uncomfortable conversations about that thing you do with your toenails. Your husband is blessedly communicative, but jeez, you kind of miss this creepily detached troll.
He was sweet and attentive one day, then didn’t call for the next five, but the Boomerang was consistent in one way: He was exciting and had a perfect penis. Not like your husband, who can’t even make it to the grocery store without texting to say he loves you. Yeesh! The Boomerang always got your adrenaline racing and your blood pumping. His absences made you wonder if he’d been tragically dismembered, or if he just needed some space. You weren’t happy, but hey, at least you weren’t bored!
The Punching Bag
Whenever you bombed a job interview or your dog sitter forgot your birthday, you could always count on the Punching Bag to let you displace your anger onto him. He’d let you scream at him for hours for inconsequential and imaginary mistakes, apologizing profusely all the while. Shit, the Punching Bag even bought you flowers that time you accused him of staring too long at that female barback at the Olive Garden, He’s nothing like your emotionally evolved husband, who insists on honesty and arguments that take place in reality.
You hated the devil: his values, his cushy trust fund, his fucking polo shirts. But it’s a truth universally acknowledged that the best sex is hate sex, and nothing can compare to the angry, bedpost-shaking heat you generated with the Devil – something you always remember when your husband looks into your eyes as you tenderly make love. Nowadays, in fits of nostalgia, you cyberstalk the Devil, whose political statements always fill you with rage and the urge to furiously masturbate.
You always cherished the Loopholer for starting fights that allowed you to temporarily screw other people. “Maybe this isn’t working!” the Loopholer would sometimes say, throwing up his hands in exasperation. “Maybe it isn’t!” you’d shout back, knowing full well that he’d apologize tomorrow and take you out for an expensive dinner. But in the meantime, his statement gave you carte blanche to bang whomever you met at the bar that night, unlike your husband who “can’t bear to think of you being with another man.” Barf. Having your cake and eating other people too was the gift the Loopholer gave to you, and you never even thanked him for it.
Relish these memories of the guys who made you the woman you are today. Although you can’t turn back the clock, you can find ways to bring back the dysfunctional charm of these relationships into your marriage from time to time. Just order a full carafe of wine at the Olive Garden, and let the venom flow!