A cover letter is your first impression on a potential employer—but if you make one of these five common mistakes, that first impression might be, “My, what an unfuckable troll.” Learn what to avoid before you say bye-bye to your dream job—and hello to dying alone under a bridge:
1. Failing to personalize.
Avoid saying “Dear Sir or Madam” and get personal: people don’t want to fuck women who treat them like they’re nobody. Search online for a name or call the business in your sexiest phone voice. The raspier the better, like if Emma Stone made love with a cement mixer. If all else fails, you can always address the letter with a flirty name like “cutie,” “hot stuff,” or “mighty Lord Monster Dong.”
2. Trying to be funny.
Even with e-mailed cover letters that are more casual, making jokes looks unprofessional, plus funny girls are usually fat. It’s a total red flag for the employer: not only are you as unfuckable as a beehive with a muffin top, but you’re also a threat to the financial sustainability of free bagel Thursdays.
3. Making it too long.
E-mailed cover letters should be no longer than two paragraphs, while snail-mailed cover letters should be a maximum of five—anything longer and it implies you’re a girl who never shuts up, even in bed.
4. Failing to proofread.
If you make typos in your cover letter, it looks sloppy, like the kind of girl who’d have a breakdown after sleeping with her boss and tell the whole office.
5. Including a photo.
Unless you’re undeniably hot, in which case, DEFINITELY include a photo. No filters. Creativity implies you have something to compensate for.
Avoiding these five common mistakes will help show your readiness for the job and your level of fuckability. Now get out there and make something of yourself!