These Christines may seem too young to be getting married and establishing an adult life, but they’re not—they’re exactly your age! These potential The Bachelor contestants set an inspiring example of how to be extremely content with the kind of life you’re still trying to convince yourself is too boring for your “exciting personality.” Here they are!
Name: Christine Perez
Age: Your age
Occupation: Attending nursing school
Christine P. is proudly attending nursing school because she is passionate about spending her life helping others while making a secure paycheck. For some reason, she prefers this to spending years trying to figure out how to make a career out of artisanal vegan knitwear and asking her parents for money once a month. She is excitedly awaiting her June wedding to Ken Reed, who does a job you don’t even understand, and just put her first down payment on a mortgage while curling her hair before CPR class. Congrats Christine P.!
Name: Christine Lawrence
Occupation: About to graduate from nursing school
Hobbies: Crudité platters and being happy
Age: Same as you
When you were in high school together, you and Christine L. always talked about how you both believed in seeing the world and trying every exotic food possible before even considering marriage! But then Christine L. met Ben H., who works in finance and loves spending Friday nights at home with Christine L. where the social jungle of the outside world can’t interrupt their concrete course of action for entering into a safe and stable adulthood with a fuzzy blanket and a joint Netflix account. BUT you’ve been to Canada once, and it was pretty cool. So like, eat it, Christine L.
Name: Christine Murphy
Status: Very Engaged
Occupation: Aspiring NICU nurse!
BABIES! Babies. Christine M. LOVES babies!!! And guess what, it’s not weird anymore. It was weird five years ago, but it’s not weird anymore because you’re both at a non-weird age to be a mother. But can sorta-almost-unemployed garbage-dwellers like you be mothers? How can you be a mother if you lost all the buttons to your pants and just started taping them closed? Or does that actually mean you might be a good mother? Wait, you’re gonna need sperm for this—who will give you their sperm? Does Christine M. know the answers to these questions? Maybe. Is she too busy trying on responsibly priced wedding dresses? Yes. Good for you, Christine M.!
Name: Christine Gilles
Status: Humping her fiancé
Age: How old are you? That’s her age
Occupation: Expected to graduate nursing school with honors
Hobbies: Sneaking up behind her fiancé, covering his eyes, and whispering, “Guess who?”
You’ve often thought, “There’s no way all these Christines are actually happy. I give their marriage two years, tops.” But look at Christine G. Christine G. loves her fiancé so much, she moved to Wisconsin with him for his job. Does that sound terrible? She loves Wisconsin and she loves the huge house she can actually afford. Christine G. is so happy that she doesn’t have to worry about Kendall Jenner’s dating life to feel fulfilled. She’s so happy that the only reason she calls her mom is to let her know that she and Josh are doing well but are a little busy these days. She’s so happy that when she enters a doctor’s waiting room, she doesn’t yell at anyone or cry in public. BUT you’ve been to Canada once, and it was pretty cool.
Name: Kristine Klaus
Occupation: Nursing school
Hobbies: Maybe still gymnastics?
Age: Subtract the year you were born from the current year
You were in the same group of friends as Kristine K. in high school, but she doesn’t have Facebook. Your only intel is coming directly from your mom, who saw her mom at the new Pathmark, who told her everything about how proud she was of her daughter and how happy her daughter was and how proud she was to have a happy daughter. What-the-fuck-ever—it’s like your mom has totally forgotten that you were way better at gymnastics than she was. You could be a nurse and engaged if you wanted to!! But you don’t!!! ‘Cause you’re not a loser!!!!
Enjoy as these Christines’ engagement pictures begin to flood your social media accounts with a bath of beige bliss and uncomplicated happiness while you think about planning another trip to Canada five years from now if you have the cash.