You’re NOT a sociopath! You and your trusty bottle of hand sanitizer are just ready for whatever life throws at you. Passing around a baby? Not so fast! At a sticky bar with friends? Hold off on those Fireball shots, sir! In a relationship with someone who’s about to say, “I love you”? Yikes, I don’t think so! Take your intimacy issues to the next level with these adorable hand sanitizer keychains, perfect for warding off anyone who thinks you might actually be comfortable being physically or emotionally close. Flashing these bad boys around on your backpack or purse is a great way to just say, “Uh, yeah, me too,” but definitely not “I love you.”
1. Gold Applique Pocketbac Holder (Bath & Body Works, $3.50)
Sparkle up your lack of a dating history with this flashy hand sanitizer keychain that can hook onto any type of baggage, even the metaphorical kind. This is the go-to hand sanitizer keychain that looks fun and sassy, keeps an alcohol-based boundary between you and anybody you don’t feel comfortable around, whether they’re friends, family, or the people you go on first dates with but never, ever second dates. The best part of this hand sanitizer keychain is the wet squirt sound it makes when pumped out onto your hand is loud enough to block the sound your longtime guy friend makes when he says, “I think I’m in love with you.” You don’t have to say anything back if you didn’t hear it!
2. Handmade Crocheted Hand Sanitizer Cozy (Etsy, $5)
These handmade crochet hand sanitizer keychains will add a certain je ne sais quoi to your Vera Bradley backpack. Je ne sais quoi is French for “I don’t know what,” but in your case it’s more like, “I don’t know what it feels like to feel things.” They come in so many fun colors! If you spend a long enough time online, you’ll find all the crocheted hand sanitizer keychains there are to be found AND you will be spending that time online and not in the arms of someone who loves you, but that doesn’t even make you sad because nothing does. It’s so funny how all your friends can spend hours on the internet finding love on dating sites, and all you could find were these really adorable handmade love-repellents!
3. Purell Advanced Refreshing Gel Hand Sanitizer Jelly Wrap Carriers (Walmart, $3.46)
Change it up! This value pack comes with three different colors of hand sanitizer keychains, one for each of your feelings (boredom, slight hunger, numbness). With a few options on hand, you’ll also have enough hand sanitizer to just rub over your whole body as a diversion tactic when the guy you’re casually sleeping with says he wants to “talk”.
4. Disney Parks Hand Sanitizer Holder Bag (Disney, $8.95)
Disney “holder bags” are not for the faint of heart, nor for those who don’t feel violated from holding a pole on the subway. These are sold exclusively at Disney World, so the fact that you have one shows that you have spent not just one adult vacation in Disney World, but enough adult vacations in Disney World to have selected such an uneventful souvenir as a hand sanitizer keychain. It’s the perfect hand sanitizer keychain for you if you love sharing articles about Disney princesses reimagined as hipsters (lol!) but when you see women in real life you think, “Get the hell away from me, I cannot be your friend.”
With any of these hand sanitizer keychains hooked onto your bag ready for use, you can kiss (or just wave) goodbye to ever having to touch anyone, physically or emotionally. They kill 99.99% of other people’s attempts to love you!