Ever buy a pair of pants that you knew would fit when you lost five pounds, even though you know you’ll never lose them? And then you read about French women and how they stay slim through a national secret owned by Salma Hayek’s billionaire husband? Fortunately, there’s another way. Below are eleven trusty recipes that will help you lose that weight the American way: by shitting your pants until they fit.
1. The Free Spirit
Add ¼ cup chia seeds to 1 cup coconut milk in an airtight container. Shake and refrigerate overnight. Eat and shit for as many days at it takes for your pants to fit.
2. The “Not Much of a Baker”
Buy cookie dough. Open packaging and eat it raw with a spoon, preferably a dirty one from the bottom of the sink. If blood appears in stool, go to ER. Otherwise, eat and shit until pants fit.
3. The 15-Second Rule
Bring something—anything—edible onto the subway. Drop on subway floor or seat. Pick up within 15 seconds and eat. Wait for pants to fit while shitting in them.
4. Hot and Cold
Although coffee is king of the “makes you shit” food chain, another known diuretic is taking sips of hot and cold water. Why not combine them? Alternate between drinking iced coffee and hot coffee until your shit-plastered pants fit.
5. The “No No, That’s Yucky”
Find a friend with a small child and tag along to their daycare center. Eat whatever the kids drop on the ground. Wait for pants to fit while wearing them while shitting in them. (May intensify results by combining with #3.)
6. Yelp for Help
Go to a restaurant with a B or below rating. Use restroom. Do not wash hands. Order and eat with your hands. Wait for pants to fit (they will have your shit in them).
7. The Purr-fect Plan
Let your cat lick your sandwich. Eat the sandwich. Wait for pants to fit or for the cat parasite Toxoplasmosis gondii to take over your brain and convince you that you’ve shit and your pants fucking fit. No shitting required!
8. Stress-Induced Colitis
Force yourself to do something terrifying. In the interim, wait for pants to fit.
9. Stress-Induced Colitis, Plus Lying
Tell your friends and family that you’re secretly dating Elon Musk. When everyone starts asking probing questions and the lie has gone too far and there’s no way out, start shitting your pants and don’t stop until they fit.
10. Oui Oui, Poo Poo
Take a plane to a spa in a remote corner of Europe. Allow a medical team to apply enemas while you fast for three days, consuming only a thin broth made from the bones of doves. Keep shitting until pants fit.
11. The “Okay Fine, Mom—You Win.”
Give up. Buy bigger pants.
Please note that these recipes have not been endorsed by the following parties: French women, Salma Hayek, Salma Hayek’s billionaire husband, London, France, the food and wine industry, the chia seed industry, any daycare centers, any rural European spas, Elon Musk, the FDA, or my mom. Salve may be necessary for you to sit down in your pants when they finally fit. Good luck!