You’re not one to go with the crowd. Everything about you is funky and unique. So when you’re gathered around your gal pals and the discussion shifts to celebrity crushes, how can you give the most unexpectedly cool response? Crushing on Ryan Gosling is way too mainstream. Benedict Cumberbatch is offbeat, but predictable. Bill Clinton? Come on – he’s a musician! Here’s our funky list of ten unsexy fantasy men to make yourself more interesting:
10. Stephen Hawking
This one’s almost too predictable because he’s a genius, which is hot, but saying you want to bone a 72-year-old man with Lou Gehrig’s is still pretty cool.
9. Donald Trump
Rich and powerful men are often seen as sexy, but this pretty ugly dude once said of his own daughter: “She does have a very nice figure. If she weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” He also fired someone for not wanting to talk to Bill Cosby. How edgy is that? Oh yeah, with a crush like this you’ll definitely stand out.
8. Mel Gibson
No, we don’t mean Lethal Weapon-era Mel Gibson. We’re talking “humiliating dash cam footage leak” Mel Gibson. If you really want a guy crush that gets people talking, go for old and racist with an anger management problem. Who would have sex with that other than someone as complex as you? Hot, but not in a predictable way!
7. Guy Fieri
Women love a good cook, which is why no one will see it coming when you reveal you want to bump uglies with the bleached blond hamster who invented “Gringo Sushi.” You’ll be slurping on that donkey sauce before any of your friends can say, “Are you okay?”
6. Tyler Perry
Saying you’re attracted to a man who writes, directs and stars in his own successful films will sound like a conventional choice. That is, until you reveal that in most of those films he’s dressed up as a sassy old woman, and that he punishes female protagonists by giving them AIDS. Good afternoont, unconventional lady boner!
5. Abby Miller
Wanting to muff-dive a hot female TV star is basic – literally everyone and their mother is bi now. But by saying you want to go down on the brash, unlikeable star of Lifetime’s Dance Moms, people will find you more interesting. They just will.
4. Jay Leno
Women love Hollywood good looks and someone who can make them laugh, which is why they’ll never see this pick coming.
3. Pope Francis
He’s the most popular pope in at least 500 years, but that doesn’t mean people are willing to go for a joyride under his robes. This 78-year-old says even sinners are welcome in the kingdom of Heaven – make him prove it!
2. Dick Cheney
Watch your friends spit out their mimosas when you go into rich detail about the allure of this angry old white man. Be the coolest girl on the block by yelling, “I wish he’d shoot me in the face! Yummzz!”
1. Vladmir Putin
Tell your friends that to you, the sexiest man in the world is this flailing Russian dictator. Then show them this picture of him bare-chested on a horse. Game over! You win “most interesting spank bank.”
With these tingle-killing monsters, you’ll establish yourself as the most uniquely perverted person in your friend group. Remember: You just can’t help who you’re attracted to! Keep saying that over and over again until you believe it.