It’s hard living with herpes: the burning, the itching, and the constant confessions to new lovers. We’ve scoured the globe to bring you the ten best sex positions to hide any variety of human papilloma virus. With these sexy moves, your partner will love every minute of sex with you and your easily transmittable sexual disease!
1. Striptease…with a Secret
This flirty move is sure to get him hot, while keeping him completely unaware of your flaring pustules. As you undress with one hand, keep your other hand over your crotch. This is an important move to practice before the big day but we’re confident that with a little practice you’ll be the next Herpes Houdini!
Bonus tip: After you undress, crawl over to the bed on all fours; just make sure to keep your body at an angle to camouflage that raging STD.
2. Downward Doggie Style
This position is excellent for hiding your herpes and giving you both maximum enjoyment. He gets a good look at your (hopefully) herp-free behind, and you have some time to pop some blisters. When he’s finished, crawl away on your hands and knees. He’ll love the view…and you’ll love keeping your secret.
3. The Venus Flytrap
For this position you need to bend your body in half so your chest is completely covering your torso and crotch. It might feel uncomfortable, but at this point you’re a natural at living with discomfort.
4. Cowgirl…with a Secret
Lie down so your body is flush with the bed sheet. If you have trouble breathing, just ask him to pull your hair back. He’ll love your wild side and you’ll love the unobstructed breathing path! Make sure to wash the sheets after you’re done, as the puss from your busted abscesses will stick to the linens.
5. The Office Temp
This is our favorite chair position for someone who has HSV-2. Ask him to sit on a chair and, with your back to him, lower yourself onto his member. Not only do you get to control the speed of your lovemaking, but you also get to gently blow on your engorged boils. And trust us, if you’re doing this move correctly, both of you will certainly be boiling!
6. Sexy Ladle
Spooning is a great cuddle move to hide the herp, but it can also be incredibly romantic. You’ll feel his heart beat against your back, his soft breath against your face. And he’ll feel none of those scabbed-over sores!
7. Hot Tub Lovin’
Bubbles are great for obscuring the nightmare brewing in your nether regions! They are also great for irritating your sizzling sacs of puss, so make sure to get a soap that produces LOTS of bubbles!
8. Sexy Sea Horse
Sex on the beach at midnight is perfect for romance and deception. This is your opportunity to face forward during sex. If you’re feeling spontaneous, make love in the crashing waves. Salt water alleviates the burning sensation and might just disinfect your partner! Probably not though.
Having sex with an STD has never been easier, but remember to be safe and always use protection, even if it will do absolutely nothing to prevent the spread of your unmanageable disease.