The classic, timeless elegance of a French Woman: we all want to be more like them, especially the way they shit. How do they do it? They don’t, unless they absolutely must. If you absolutely must, here are six steps to shitting like a French woman (if she HAD TO, which she NEVER WOULD):
1. Tell everyone that you’re going to have a cigarette. Walk outside. Quietly re-enter the establishment and find a dark water closet where no one else will find you. Even if you are alone, do this. You should be as unaware as your companions that you are shitting.
2. Play Edith Piaf on vinyl. If you have some kind of digital, non-vinyl copy of Edith Piaf, throw it in the trash. Light a cigarette.
3. Crook your index fingers and insert them in the sides of your panties. Make a slow, downward motion. If there is a mirror, look yourself dead in the eye. Imagine Olivier Martinez is about to go down on you. Do not let your panties touch the floor. Check the tag in your panties. Are they from Victoria’s Secret? If so, throw them in the trash. Throw yourself in there too.
4. Hover half an inch above the toilet. Relax. Imagine your butt-rose is a languid, alabaster hand, dropping pearls which swan dive splashlessly into the murky waters of the Seine (your toilet). After the act has ended, make use of the bidet. If there is no bidet in this bathroom why are you there? I guess use your hands and paper?
6. Exit through the secret shame-hatch; if none are available, exit through the door. Finish your cigarette.
Félicitations – you have made merde like a real Parisian would, if they ever actually did.