So David, I heard from Amanda that you like, like me, or something? First off, let me just say, why the hell are you saying things like that to Amanda? You know she’s the absolute worst, right? She totally steals all the Clif bars in the break room, not cool. Second, David, dude, are you serious with this liking me shit?,I’m a fucking troll, David! What the hell is wrong with you?
I mean, obviously I’m not literally a troll, I can barely afford my studio apartment, let alone a bridge, because I SUUUUCK. But seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? In addition to being physically repulsive (Have you seen my feet in sandals? They’ve made children cry) I am also a terrible, awful, boring, lame, human being.
Every time I end a date with someone my abhorrent mundaneness causes him to go home and shoot himself in the face out of total despair. That’s what going on a date with me is like, and yet, you’re all up in my spot? I thought you were better than that, David!
In addition to my physical appearance and personality being god awful, my personal life and career are an absolute disaster war zone. Seriously David, sometimes when I look in the mirror I wonder, “What can be said about me that hasn’t already been said about ISIS?” That is my reality and you want to be a part of it, you sick fuck.
What the hell happened to you in your past that you think I (the human personification of a goiter) am dating material? Are you CRAZY?! You want to have sex with a garbage pail kid who grew into a dumpster woman? That’s the kind of love you feel that you deserve? Clearly, you have zero respect for yourself.
So I guess what I’m saying, David, is the feelings you have for me are not mutual on my end. I may look like a mole person that lives under the subway, but I have standards for the men I date, and I would never date someone who would even think of dating me. Why don’t you just go ask out Amanda?