We all let procrastination get the best of us every so often. Luckily, Rebecca Fields of Akron, Ohio found the perfect solution for our concentration woes: rewarding yourself with hours upon hours of hate-stalking your ex!
Fields has a simple rule of thumb: For every three minutes of actual work, she gets two full hours of combing through her ex, Dan Davis’ social media pages. Simple, healthy, and fun! How did we not think about this before?
“I’ve used all kinds of carrots to get me through the workday—cookies, a TV episode, actual carrots,” said Fields. “But nothing really motivates me like knowing that if I just set my mind to my tasks for 180 seconds, I’ll get to brood over Dan’s trampwad fiancé for hours on end! What else could possibly get me through this job I’m paid a hefty salary to do?”
Fields typically starts by reviewing recent posts on Dan’s Facebook wall, noting any changes like “his ugly fucking friends posting more LeBron articles.” Then she does a quick review of all 97 of Dan’s profile pictures in reverse chronological order, reminiscing when appropriate.
“There’s one picture I always hated where he looks so fucking fat. I told him to delete it like a hundred times but he never listened,” Fields explains. “Seeing that picture is always a really cathartic couple of hours in my day.”
All roads, however, lead Fields to Dan’s fiancé, Paige, who Dan deserves “…if he wants to look at all that eye shadow for the rest of his life.”
On the other hand, Fields’ work usually consists of two hyper-focused minutes, then one minute looking for a post-it note to leave a question for her supervisor.
According to Fields, Dan is also “bad at Instagram,” though it can serve as a nice change of pace from the primary hate-stalking on Facebook. “Too bad he’s not on Twitter,” says Fields, “I’d have a field day with that dumb dud’s dumb dud thoughts! Dumb.”
Fields dated her ex for about three months in 2011. But amazingly, she has stored up enough petty loathing towards Dan to spend hours of emotional energy on this “dud”! Incredible!
Her insistence that “I don’t even care about Dan anymore. Who’s Dan?” is the only reason she can spend the majority of her workday seething over Dan’s engagement photos. If she cared about Dan, Fields reasons, she wouldn’t be able to look at him. She’s fine, she says, she’s doing just fucking fine.
Fields adds: “It’s just my sweet little treat. Just for me. But why do you think he broke up with me?”
Talk about commitment!
When asked to comment on his relationship with Fields, Dan replied, “Uh, I’m sorry, who?”