“Shave your legs!” “Do your hair!” “Wear enough makeup to look good but still natural!” Any of this sound familiar? Well, add another one to list: “Stop doing your Italian chef impression.”
Just when she thought the patriarchy couldn’t be more oppressive, self-avowed feminist Britney Chase was proven wrong. Week after week she would go on a first date and go home alone, all because the men were “turned off” by her randomly slipping into an Italian chef impression throughout the meal.
“Feminism is about being who you are-ah, and not letting men-ah get-ah between you and your beliefs-ah because they’re-ah mysoginisima,” says Britney. “They-a just want to hear-ah you talk-ah in-ah your own voice-ah at a normal-a volume-a.”
Britney remembers one moment when she was overcome with an urge to start naming Mario Batali restaurants and their best pasta dishes.
“The guy I was with, he got so mad, he was like ‘Please stop, we’re in a movie theater,’” said Britney, “I was like, ‘nice try buddy…but you can’t silence women. Viva Molto Mario! Bravissimo!’”
Especially hurtful was an experience when Britney had been dating a guy, Jeff, for almost two months and the accent had not seemed to bother him. Britney had thought she finally found a guy who wasn’t a sexist pig like the rest. But one night, while Britney and Jeff were having sex, Britney shouted “Mama mia!” during orgasm. Apparently, Jeff wasn’t comfortable with seeing that much strength and confidence coming from a woman.
“But it’s not about me-ah, or them-ah,” Britney says. “Iss about having respect-ah for a woman’s right-ah to do the same things an Italiano man can do-ah.”
We contacted one of Britney’s past dates, Clark Davies, for his side of the story. Clark recounts one time where “she just randomly started doing this twirling pizza dough motion and shouting like ‘Oh I love-ah linguini!’ and I was like, ‘Britney, why are you twirling pizza if you’re making pasta? Please stop.’ Then she told me I was acting like a Men’s Rights Activist.”
This begs the question… can a woman ever have it all? Can she find love and act like an Italian chef?
One day, hopefully, women will be able to live that dream.
