Witnesses say that Tucson resident Caitlin Rudner remarked to her coworkers this morning that she was feeling down and needed coffee. Yet in reality, what Rudner actually needs is an entirely new life.
“She was lethargic around the office, saying that she needed some caffeine to kick start her day,” says coworker Steff Mull, “But what she probably needs is a better boyfriend, a nicer apartment, and a different job. That would help way more.”
Rudner, who typically has upwards of three cups of coffee a day, says she needs it in order to feel herself.
“I’m really not me until I have my coffee,” she explains. “And even sometimes after I have my coffee, I don’t feel like me. That’s when I get more coffee and just hope for the best.”
Others say that Rudner’s need for coffee is a direct response to other more apparent problems in her life.
“Two weeks ago, the roof of her apartment caved in and her boyfriend apparently refused to pay his half of the repairs,” sister Jaime Rudner says. “I’d say there’s a lot to unpack there, but Caitlin just called me and said, ‘Ugh, I need coffee.’”
“Once I saw her get chewed out at work by our asshole boss for something she didn’t even do,” Mull remembers. “She walked out of the meeting and went straight to the coffee maker. That’s not right.”
Yet Rudner believes that coffee really does improve situations, and that she doesn’t need to make significant life changes in order to achieve happiness.
“Coffee totally affects the chemicals in your brain and body,” she says. “I don’t really know the specifics, but I am pretty sure if I just keep drinking coffee it’ll be fine.”
At press time, Rudner was seen downing some iced coffee while applying for a new credit card, turning around to ask, “Cup of joe, anyone?”