Woman Moves to Quiet Suburban Town to Experience More Polite Harassment

In a move some are calling “heroic” and “pretty sensible, I guess”, local pediatrician Amanda Herring has announced that she plans to relocate from urban Chicago to the rural suburb of La Grange in order to experience more polite sexual harassment.

 

“I didn’t think I was ready to leave the big city,” 33-year-old Herring explains, “But after seeing how much more cordial and friendly the street harassment is in this small town, I was sold.”

 

Herring began experiencing intimidation and harassment in her hometown of Chicago when she was asked at the age of 12 to “be a model” for a surly man with a Polaroid camera.

 

“I can’t even count the number of public masturbators I’ve seen,” Herring adds.

 

Herring explains that while street harassment is inevitable, the understated and subtle sexism of a small town has become irresistible as she’s gotten older. As an official suburbanite, Herring hopes to enjoy “the kind of harassment where they smile and they know your first name.”

 

“The other day, some kid just rolled down his car window and shouted ‘Nice legs!’ before driving off. What a nice change of pace!” Herring explains with a smile. His mother must have almost raised him right.”

 

The Village of La Grange is a rustic town full of community activities and well-mannered catcallers. Female residents enjoy semi-peaceful jogs through the beautiful parks and trails with only occasional fear for their lives.

 

 

“I just get this vibe that strange men here are less likely to expose their genitals to me on the train and more likely to just rub them over their pants instead,” La Grange resident Samantha St. John explains. “We just live a simpler life out here.”

 

Herring isn’t the first woman to make the move. A recent survey reveals that about 80% of women moved to the suburbs to trade in the rude, boorish come-ons from city men for the polite sensibility of suburban harassers.

 

When asked for comment, local restaurant owner and veteran street harasser Vince McCulty says, “We have manners here. If I see a woman with a nice chest, I make sure to let her know I appreciate them in the friendliest way possible. That’s just called being a gentleman.”

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