Shock waves of awe and dread spread through downtown Chicago last Wednesday when 24-year-old resident Mila Clark made the meticulously calculated decision to go the fuck off on her longtime frenemy, Julia Russo.
“Numerous factors comprised the basis of my decision to go the fuck off on Julia,” explained Clark. “I had to carefully weigh the pros and cons and possible contingencies of unleashing years of pent up fury. Ultimately, the results showed it was time to go absolutely batshit on that ass.”
Witnesses confirmed that there was an elaborate and conscientious plan behind the incident in which Clark sent a 750-word, rage-induced text to Russo.
“I’m honestly impressed she was able to retain that level of anger for the time it took her to construct the message,” says friend Jade Jensen. “Mila made a flowchart and multiple Venn diagrams about the potential results of really just letting Julia have it.”
“Once she finished a first draft of the text she sent it to our group chat to see if it was ‘fair,’” continued Jensen. but by that point it was clear to everyone that she was going off and could not be stopped.”
Even Julia Russo, the recipient of Clark’s wrath, admitted that while the confrontation came out of nowhere, it was clearly a scrupulous attack.
“The sheer length of the text message was enough for me to know I was in trouble,” said Russo. “But as I read her opening statement and skimmed the topic sentences, it quickly became clear that she had brought her receipts. At that point, I canceled my plans for the evening because I knew my defense would require my fullest resources.”
While most were impressed by Clark’s rigorously organized going-the-fuck-off, others were critical of her tactics.
“Mila’s methodical freakout doesn’t seem very healthy or communicatively effective,” said another friend, Leslie Hawthorne. “Maybe if she had brought up the things that bothered her in the past, she wouldn’t have reached this breaking point.”
Clark, however, defended her position.
“The choice to say some shit I can never come back from is mine and mine alone,” Clark said. “I’ll stand by it forever. Julia needs to know exactly how I feel and that I am justified in going the fuck off at certain points in time.”
The following morning, Clark reportedly sent Russo an apology text, and the two are expected to talk it out over coffee this weekend.