In a history-making moment, Shelly Nguyen has recently beaten the world record for number of farts contained under a maxi skirt, with a whopping 477 individual farts.
Nguyen, who’s recent raw veggie diet has been wreaking havoc on her digestive system, was shocked to learn she had set the record under this uniquely large garment.
“I mean I knew I was farting a lot,” says Nguyen. “But I didn’t think I was shattering any records or anything. I was just your average woman with rancid veggie farts.”
Nguyen was just going about her day, producing on average 100 ripe farts per hour (FPH) when suddenly she was interrupted by a full-on medal ceremony presented by her employer.
“They just burst into my office,” says Nguyen. “Confetti started coming down and they were all screaming, ‘You won!’”
Turns out Jim Munier, a self-described “fart chaser,” has been monitoring cases of extreme ass-ripping for years, and was alerted to Nguyen’s feat after his research on the ability of maxi skirts to hold a tremendous number of farts led him to her office.
“I’ve been tracking farts all around the country for the last 30 years,” says Munier. “It’s sort of a secret, underground thing I do but I can’t tell you how it why because it’s too illegal and it’s also too sad. Shelly really does have a gift. She has the digestive system of a senior labrador retriever – I’ve never seen anything like it.”
Shelly’s coworkers were not so surprised to find they had a record breaker in their midst.
“Shelly’s farts are fucking heinous, but the maxi skirt has kind of kept them at bay,” says Dina Calahan, who sits next to Nguyen in an open-air office. “Honestly I think it’s the only reason I can still work next to her.”
Even though she effortlessly surpassed the previous record of 412 toots trapped under a maxi skirt, Nguyen shows no signs of losing steam.
“I just can’t believe I set a record!” says Nguyen. “I mean, I’ve always had crazy wicked farts, but I didn’t know I could make my farts my job. Companies are lining up to sponsor me. I’m going to be in a commercial for broccoli!”