Christmas is almost here, and you know what that means: winter vacation for public schools! Those two weeks of quality time with your selfish, needy offspring creep ever closer, as if daring your sanity to destroy itself. This year, show them who’s the boss (you) by treating them to a vacation they’ll be telling their therapists about for years:
Skiing in Vail is out; fighting for survival in the harsh Russian tundra is in! Send those rascally assholes out on a three-hour snowshoe hike while you and the mister enjoy some hot tub time for two. If they manage to make it back with all of their appendages attached, they’ll surely think twice before talking back to you again!
All the charm and smell of Brooklyn’s Williamsburg, and none of the Instagram! Use this trip as a chance to get away from it all— and by “all” we mean your children’s electronic devices. Why does a 12-year-old need an iPhone and an iPad, anyway? They’ll be too busy milking cows and churning butter to tweet #MomSucks after this “educational” excursion.
Anywhere in Nebraska
Nothing says “nothing” quite like Nebraska! Spend a little time driving around aimlessly in your car, perhaps stopping to take some pictures of dead, frozen cornfields. Little Abby and Mike Jr. will be so bored that they’ll actually be begging to go back to school where they can terrorize some other adults for awhile.
A fun, family trip to the Guantanamo Bay detention camp is the perfect way to cap off your year. Remind your children that bars and chains are probably in their futures if they don’t shape the fuck up. Don’t forget to stop by the gift shop on your way out to purchase each of your ankle-biters an “I Went to Gitmo and All I Got Was an Adjustment on my Lousy Attitude and a Newfound Respect for My Parents” sweatshirt.
Merry Christmas to you and your family! We hope 2015 will show a real change in those little assholes.